I used to joke with my mom that our family was actually a coven of vampires.
And then there was one…
My paternal grandfather died at the age of 91. Followed by my maternal grandfather at 93. My Paternal grandmother was next at 95. Lastly, my maternal grandmother, 16 days shy of her 99th birthday.
At the rate we were going, I expected the rest of us to hit 100 and then some.
I was wrong.
On July 21, 2017 at 2:08 p.m. my mom unexpectedly passed away at the age of 71.
We were shocked. We were numb.
I was devastated.
I “knew” my parents wouldn’t live forever.
I knew the way newlyweds “know” marriage is challenging or expectant parents “know” raising children is hard work.
Turns out, I “knew” nothing.
Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself my parents would pass away when they were “old.” When the years were evident in the deeply carved wrinkles around their eyes and life’s ups and downs were visible in the subtle shake of their hands and their feather-soft voices that whispered final words of wisdom before they drifted away. And, of course, they’d be together, holding hands.
But that’s the stuff of Hollywood. In the real world, Life doesn’t give a rip about what you thought you “knew”. It’s simply going to unfold in its own way and in its own time because that’s just how Life goes.
At first, I was angry at myself for my naivety. If I’d been better prepared, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much every time I tried to breathe. If I’d drawn a more realistic picture in my head, maybe I could have avoided the near-constant feeling that I was about to throw up. More importantly, maybe I could have saved myself (and those around me) the embarrassment of bursting into tears in the cereal aisle.
In the few moments of clarity I found those first few days, it occurred to me that I was being ridiculous. Could I have ever really “known” what it would be like to lose my mother, my cheerleader, my confidant, my iron, my rock, my best friend? Of course not. Because if any of us knew what it felt like to lose someone we love, we’d never love them so deeply, so completely in the first place.
Loving deeply sometimes means hurting deeply… But it’s worth it.
Would my heart feel less raw right now if I hadn’t been so close to my mom? Perhaps. But I know without a doubt, I would not be the woman I am without her love. I would not have this life without her fingerprint everywhere. And I certainly would not tangibly know what it was like to be loved so fiercely, without breadth or depth or any limit whatsoever.
And that would be the biggest loss of all.
That’s just my normal.
Beautiful Vicky. I’ve always admired your relationship with your mom because it’s not something I’ve ever had or ever will. And I’m so sorry for your loss, your family’s loss really. My love and prayers are with you all.
If I’ve learned anything in my old age, it’s that I know nothing. And I’m okay with that. Life is much sweeter that way. You just learned it a little earlier. You will get to the part about being okay with the “not knowing” some day. I promise. But I also know, the hard way, that the wound you have will scab over and not be quite so tender but
it will never go away completely. And you will learn to live with that, too. ❤
Oh my friend, my tears join yours as I read your beautiful words. I know the pain and loss, I wish I didn’t but truly, we can’t escape it. Things trigger my tears, in the oddest places and for the oddest reasons. Treasure those sweet memories and may God’s grace get you through the tough days.
Vicky. I heart you. Thanks for making me cry on a Friday! Absolutely beautiful! Xoxo
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This is so beautiful and point on. We lost my mom’s mom when she was just 72 in a very unexpected way. I was 17, my mom was 42. 30 years later, we are still surprised! My mom is now the same age as her mom was when she left us. I can’t wrap my brain around any of it. It seems that we need our mom’s more when we are mom’s. Maybe we just always need our mom’s but I am sending you so much love and so many prayers! Thank you for writing this. I’m crying but grateful for the read. Xo
I lost my mom October 15 2016 and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her, mostly without tears these days but not always. She was my cheerleader, advisor, confidante, partner in crime, and so much more. Your mom must have been a great woman-look who she raised!!
Friend, that was a beautiful tribute to the beautiful relationship that you are beyond blessed to have had with your mom. Memories will continue to sneak up on you and your heart will ache. But eventually it will ache a little less…then a little less… but the memories stay with you. That’s the good stuff and that’s the beauty of time. Time doesn’t make it easier, but it gradually wears away the raw edges you still have today. It will hurt less my friend. I promise. Love and hugs <3
Vicky,
Thank you for your willingness to share what you are going through and sharing your insights with us. We love you very much and are here for support along the journey. xoxoxoxo
Vicky, this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing something so raw and loving.
Your relationship with your mom mirrors mine. I feel your pain as I lost my mom in November of 2016 and we were also very very close. So I thank you for sharing your story with us and it truly hits home. Much love.
You are amazing! You are her legacy! You will represent your beautiful mama through your life and what you give to your boys. Love and adore you sweet friend. I am grateful to your mom because she shaped you into the woman you are. The woman that I am blessed to call my friend…