I embraced turning 40. I felt stronger, happier, more content in my own skin than I had at any other point in my life. My marriage was strong, my friendships established. I had accepted my flaws and my pants size… Well, maybe not “accepted” my pants size. But I definitely worried about it much less that I had in previous years. I owned 40…
For about a week and a half.
And then…
40 and 1 month brought with it bronchitis.
40 and 2 months dragged along bronchitis… again.
40 and 4 months came with a sinus infection.
40 and 8 months introduced a bulging disc.
And 40 and 9 months kicked off with back surgery.
But let’s not forget the multitude of small things that came with turning 40:
Gray hairs in my eyebrows (My freaking eyebrows!?)
Parentheses taking up residence on either side of my mouth
Sagging butt cheeks
Needing to eat 3 pieces of grass and 1 raw almond in order to lose weight
Working out for hours just to maintain my weight, or on some days, gain a little
My nose seemed to have grown
My roots got a little darker
And I swear I look like a man in every picture I’ve taken
Needless to say, 40 could pretty much suck it. (Insert double bird here for good measure)
However, there has been one saving grace during this year of aging less than gracefully… Filters
If it weren’t for the extensive selection of filters offered by Instagram and iPhoto there wouldn’t be a single photo of me from September of 2014 to the present.
But if I’m being honest (Which I am because you can do that when you’re 40+) I do have a bone to pick with these photo filters; and it can be summed up by asking a single question: Who the hell named them?
First, there’s the Trendy Baby Names Filters: Dexter, Brooklyn, Edison, and Sadie
Next, we have the Places I’d Like to Visit Filters: Nashville, Valencia, Moon, and Juno
And let’s not forget the Is That Even A Word Filters: Amaro, Clarendon, Hefe, and Perpetua
I mean really, photo apps?
At 40+ I seem to have a diminished tolerance for bullshit.
So in the name of keeping it real, I give you…
Real Life Instagram Filter Names
Stayed up until 2 a.m. pinning recipes I’ll never make
The dog threw up on the carpet in the middle of the night
My child told me I had to make 3 dozen cupcakes for the class bake sale… at 7:30 p.m.
Went to bed at 1:30 in the morning because I just wanted some time to myself
Partied like I was 22 at Moms Night Out (Making the picture look “artsy” hides the bags under my eyes and greenish pallor)
Science Fair Project was due this morning (Again, make it artsy. No one will know if you truly look this bad or you’re just trying to be creative.)
And finally… I give you the most accurate Real Life Instagram Filter Name
I woke up 3 times in a pool of my own sweat so if you value your life you will not bring a camera within in 100 feet of me today (AKA: Screw you perimenopause)
Friends, it doesn’t matter if you welcome it with open arms or file a restraining order against it, aging is inevitable and can be a bumpy – and lumpy -ride. Things will stick up, fall down and grow in places you never thought possible. You might snap crackle and pop a little more when you get up… or sit down… or breathe. But it is what it is, amigos. So keep your sense of humor at the ready, a good pair of tweezers in your car, and keep on keepn’ it real.
That’s just my normal.
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Whatever it is you do… Do it now!
wait… filters? I just learned how to crop and now I gotta learn something else?
#almost50forcryingoutloud
#thisolddogcantlearnmanymorenewtricks
Filters are this 40+ girl’s best friend 🙂
V
40 is just around the corner for me and I already feel some of your pain! Love your real life view! No filters for words just filtered pictures! <3
It came up so suddenly! I feel like 40 was plotting against me for years and then executed the sneak attack!
V
What is wrong with looking like a man in every picture. 😉
Haha! Sorry, guys.
V
Nailed it again! I was pregnant with Avery when I turned 40 and it was a breeze. All the post 40 joys my mom warned me about I was immune to. 40 years 11 months the slide started,and my immunity wore off. The worst for me was back fat, seriously? Yes I’m vain so I will be wearing body shaping gear under my shirts from here on out. Maybe they can have a filter that makes my arms look less like thighs?
Ugh! Fat in new places… What the heck is right??? I can’t believe how much changes in one year!?
V
HAHAHAHA. Rolling on the floor dying here. And really…WTF is a Clarendon anyway?
Right? I don’t know what a bunch of those names are? And is the entire city of Nashville slightly faded? It’s pretty bold to name a filter after a city. It puts a lot of pressure on the city. Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂
V
Hahaha! Brilliant.
Glad you got a giggle. I loved you post about your post-move. I have lived in the same city all my life (boring, I know) but my husband and I day dream about moving away. If we ever took the plunge, I imagine I’d feel a lot of what you’re feeling too. Stay warm in your cute new winter clothes 😉
V
I’m thinking I will skip 40. Just do 39 and 41. Maybe it will be less of a thing for me then. Sigh.
The months leading up to 40 were great- so hang on to those if you can 🙂 Then go into hibernation for a year. Think our boys would let us do that?
V