Public Service Announcement: If you find yourself in the middle of a psychology experiment during which a “teacher” instructs me to shock you with increasing voltage every time you answer a question incorrectly, hold on tight ’cause chances are it’s about to get hot in here.
To date, I have the utmost respect for anyone in authority. This explains why I never made it as a super villain. Drat!
Have a white coat? Of course I’ll take the full course of antibiotics, Sir.
Lots of framed diplomas on your wall? You’re right, I have latent resentment toward my parents who kindly gave me your number and are watching my kids so I could meet with you.
You wrote a book!? They don’t let just anyone be in books!* I will absolutely institute your “Perfect Kids in 9 Seconds” plan immediately! *I’m in a few books. Turns out they DO let anyone be in books.
Ok, I’m not that bad. In fact, getting older has brought with it a new-found sense of confidence. I’m more apt to trust my gut, conduct my own research to solve a problem, and speak up when I disagree with the advice of an “expert.”
The Interwebs don’t seem to care about my newly acquired gift of discernment. No, the internet seems hell-bent on telling me what to do… And I’ve had enough!
9 Things I Wish the Internet Would Stop Telling Me To Do
9. Stop eating these 5 foods unless I want to spend my life fat and miserable. Because having them show up in my newsfeed in all their carbo glory every 37 minutes is really helping me break the habit.
8. Wrap It! I’ll be honest… I have seen firsthand the results of these things and it works! Truly. However, until someone creates something that willingly wraps itself around my face and, most importantly, covers my mouth, ain’t nothing going to help these thighs.
7. Drink water packed with fruit. Do you know how much time it takes to cut 3 cups of fruit? Not to mention how expensive that much fruit would be. And who the hell is wants to carry around an 11 pound mason jar of mushy fruit they can’t eat?
6. Get more sleep. Well, no shit Sherlock. Who doesn’t need more sleep? My kids are not little anymore; so I can no longer execute the dinner-bath-bed routine. They have practice and rehearsal and homework. We want to watch The Voice together so we can drool over Adam watch these talented young singers rise to stardom. None of those things can be accomplished by 7:30. So if I went to bed earlier I would have the same schedule as my 9 and 11.5 year old. Translation: I would literally be the lamest person on the planet.
5. Drink wine. I don’t like wine. Never have. Never will. So stop telling me that wine will cure cancer, reduce the risk of heart disease, replace exercise, solve the problems in the Middle East, end global warming, and ease the pain that came with Gwen’s departure from The Voice. Now if you have something positive to say about whiskey, I’m all ears…
4. Cease and desist all K-Cup usage. Listen, I do my part. I reduce, reuse, recycle. My house is in a virtual state of darkness to conserve energy. My freaking grass is as dry as the Sahara because we are following all the California enforced drought measures. I drink one cup of coffee a day, people. One cup! Can’t I have the convenience of 30 brainless seconds while my coffee virtually makes itself? Is nothing sacred? (Side note: No matter how strong my decision making powers have become, I have no hope against the power of guilt. I switched to a reusable K-Cup. Now if someone tells me the plastic is causing cancer… It’s gonna get ugly up in here!)
3. Throw out every item in my pantry or fridge because my food is killing me. I’m a pretty smart person. (I’m in books, remember?) Nonetheless, I’ve made it 40 years, so it’s safe to say I’m relatively intelligent’ish. I know how to read a label. I understand that my food should not make 5 stops from its original location to my table. I am smart enough to recognize the politics and economics involved in the food industry. And not everything is a government conspiracy to make me sick and power the pharmaceutical industry. Nor will it make me grow a third nipple.
2. Buy pretty jewelry. I can get 4 pair of hoop earrings for $5 at Target. 4 pair, I tell you!! Sure, it comes with the bonus of turning me ear black, but I try to look at that as a fashion statement and everyone knows black is slimming. Have you seen how thin my lobes look lately? And do you know how fabulous those $5 earrings look with my $20 workout pants from Costco?
And the number 1 thing I wish the internet would stop telling me to do…
Worry about my kid’s self-esteem. Have you spent any time with an 11-year-old boy? Have you? If so, then you know that 11-year-old boys think they are brilliant, good at everything, and generally winning at life. They know all the answers, even to the questions you have yet to ask. They’re always right no matter the evidence to the contrary. Regardless of the plan you have, they have a better one.. that conveniently results in them getting bigger, better or more than you originally projected. No one is as “boss” as they are. Of course, 11-year-old boys are also sweet, kind, and giving. Their psyches are as fragile as any other child and we should always strive to protect it as well as their hearts. But based on the fact that I have to ask him 9 times to put away his shoes before he actually realizes I’m speaking, I’m going to worry a little less about a stern voice, some consequences and even a little yelling crushing his precious self-esteem. Chances are he didn’t even hear me.
I’m my own expert.
That’s just my normal.
The longer I know you , the more I’m convinced we were one soul were separated in Heaven and sent to two families in different parts of the country! I am a rule follower.. if it’s a rule, even if I don’t like it, I have to follow it. I trust authority figures because..well, they are the “experts”. I am not cynical about anything ever, which makes me so gullible I get hurt sometimes, but I just don’t understand why someone would tell you something that wasn’t true. Why would they do that?
So yes.. I get this! But yanno.. I can also tell those interweb gurus to STFU and go on eating my moonpies and drinking my coffee/dietcoke/wine (which I’m just now acquiring a taste for.. sorta.. more like psuedo-wine that’s really more of a wine cooler–Arbor Mist mango strawberry.. or I mix white wine with orange juice.. very economical.)
And my jewely… 6 pair of hoop earrings in varying sizes for $5.88 at Walmart tyvm! one pack a year usually does me good.
And yes, I know I need more sleep… 4 hours a night is not enough. I know this. But who has time? Not this girl. I’ll sleep when I’m through raising kids, taking care of parents, working 2 jobs, and spending quality time with my husband. Those things take precedence right now.
And have you met my daughter? well, no, I guess you haven’t, but you know her from FB… there is NO lack of self-confidence there. She OWNS it.. whereever she is, she is in control. I go back and forth between wishing I had half her self-esteem and wanting her to shut up and sit down and be more demure!!
So… I’m good. I may not be the healthiest, most fashionably dressed mother of the year… but I’m good. And i can live with that!
Does that make us sisters from the same Mister? The Mister!? I like the sound of that! Some of us just aren’t wired to be risk-takers. That’s ok. I love that you can tell the interwebites to STFU. I’ve always loved that about you! And 6 pair for $5.88!? Wowzers!! You definitely need more sleep and wine-like products. Haha!
V
I adore you Vicky (one of my new LTYM friends)! Your blog was just what I needed this morning as I started my guilt ridden morning. I actually counted seven times your writing made me laugh, hard. And it isnt even only cause im deleterious from lack of sleep, I swear. Thanks for your contribution that adds a little normal to my otherwise self-deprecating morning :).
You’re so sweet Marcy!! I’m so so happy to hear you laughed, hard!! That is the whole point of all of this. To find the humor in raising two kids while still growing up myself. I love that people relate to it, see themselves in the words. I do NOT like that you had a guilt ridden morning, sweet friend. Whatever you feel guilty about? Chances you aren’t alone. Chances are you’re being too hard on yourself. Chances definitely are that you are doing a far better job than you think you are. And I know for a fact YOU. ARE. NORMAL!
Embrace the laughs and be kind to yourself.
V
I so agree! I get sick of “those who know better than I” telling me what to and what not to do.
This is my fave de jour!
UP
Thank you, UP! We don’t need people telling us what to do, we are extremely capable people!!
Vicky
I have always admired and envied your ultra-slim ear lobes! You made me burst out laughing. Luckily I didn’t spit on anyone!
You’re not the first to mention the lobes! Haha! Glad you didn’t spit! That’s embarrassing!
V
Drink more whiskey. That is what I hear the internet saying and who am I to argue with that.
Completely agree!
Glad someone gets me!! Haha! Thanks for reading and commenting!
Vicky
I’ll drink your share of the wine. And I’m so with you on the 11 year old boys knowing everything (OK, mine’s 12, but whatever). A couple of months ago he asked me what the date was. I said, “It’s the 17th.” He said, “No it isn’t.” WTF? If you knew, why did you ask me? (Also, you’re wrong–it IS [or was that day] the 17th).
Does it make me a bad person that I want to dance around and yell, “In your face!!” when I’m right and their wrong? Probably. I can live with it. Haha!
My favorite is when he thinks he’s so funny and tells me I’m not funny. My response is usually, “You sure about that? I have a Facebook page with over 2,600 likes that would beg to differ.” I know- I’m no better than an 11 year old. haha!
Thanks for reading and commenting!
V
LOVE THIS!!! Oh it’s sooo over the top with all of these warnings, threats, and misleading ultimatums! Good Lord, it’s out of control!!!
YES!!! I am so glad someone else feels this way too, Chris. As the mom of boys, I want them to be BOYS!! But then I feel like a terrible mom if I don’t try to quell some of that boy behavior. I think what i have learned most over my 11+ years of parenting, is that it’s alllll about timing. I have to allow them to develop and grow and explore who they are designed to be while introducing lessons and skills. However, none of it happens over night. Most of the important lessons are introduced and learned over time, striking a balance between reigning in behavior and allowing it to grow in a healthy way. Man it’s hard!!
Thanks for reading and commenting.
V