No one in my immediate family has ever been divorced.
To my knowledge, there has never been anyone with a drug or alcohol problem.
Following the loss my 37-year-old cousin who bravely fought Leukemia, the only death we’ve experienced was that of my 95-year-old grandmother.
I’m blessed beyond measure and I know this.
However, the downside to this “charmed life,” as some would call it, is that I have inadvertently raised sheltered children.
It wasn’t intentional. I didn’t shield them from the harsh realities of life out of fear or denial or even a naive belief that if we don’t acknowledge it, it doesn’t exist.
The simple truth is that in our every day life, many of life’s common tragedies simply don’t exist.
But our every day life is not all there is. There’s a great big world out there and I firmly believe that one of my primary responsibilities as their mother is to prepare my boys to enter into that world, armed and ready for battle. They will be expected to function and to thrive in a world that will throw physical, emotional, and spiritual obstacles in their way. While they will encounter thousands of wonderful people who help them be the best them they can be, life isn’t always filled with playmates and supporters. They will also have to learn to live among those who will challenge them and, at times, want to tear them down.
I know that education and awareness are two of the most powerful weapons I can arm them with before they leave the safe haven of our home.
But what’s a mom to do? How do I prepare my kids for a future they can not avoid, while still protecting their hearts and minds in the now?
Do we watch the National news while eating dinner, explaining why innocent men are being burned in cages for a faith we celebrate in our home?
Should we end the day as a family, snuggled up on the couch watching the local news inevitably having to explain why sometimes arguments become violent or what could cause a parent to kill his/her own children? How can I promise them they are safe at school when not 24 hours earlier they learned that mere miles away a student bore the burden of pain so heavy it caused him to come to school with a gun and kill his classmates?
As parents, how do we educate without wounding? How do we make them aware without making them afraid?
We all know how important it is to talk to our kids. And while the media would like to say there isn’t enough of that going on and parents are too busy or too distracted, my experience is that the parents I know are talking to their kids and more importantly, they are listening. But so much of what we discuss with our kids stems from events and experiences that happen organically. And if your life looks at all like mine or those in my immediate sphere of reality, there aren’t always a lot of organic ways to broach the tough discussions.
I learned early on that like most things, if conversations are initiated by me, the discussion ends almost as quickly as it began. Not because my kids have entered the No-Mom Zone (I think I still have a few years until that officially takes residence in our home.) but because if they haven’t become aware of something it’s typically because they’re not yet ready to. Their minds aren’t quite ready for some of the concepts or ideas I’m thinking of. They are just not there yet.
However, if I wait patiently and listen more than I speak, I will inevitably get a glimpse of what they are ready for and what direction their minds are going.
Throughout the last year or two, it hasn’t been the news that’s prompted meaningful conversations in our house. It has been music. Luke and I share a love of music- live, recorded, new or old. We love to listen, dance and sing terribly off-key. More importantly, though, we love to talk about what we listen to.
Recently as we were rocking out to “Headlights” by Eminem, featuring Nate Ruess, Luke began asking questions. And I began giving answers. And we began to talk about some real world stuff within the safe walls of his real world- our home.
I won’t bore you by taking you through the song lyric by lyric (Although I have included them at the bottom if you’re interested.) but the story Eminem tells is a beautifully tragic look back at a young man’s life through the eyes of his older, more grown up self. The perspective of a man is so much different from that of a child, as we all know. A child only knows the pain he feels, not the pain of those around him. He only knows his loss, his anger, his sadness, his disappointment. A child is not capable of understanding the perspective of anyone outside himself. But a man is fully capable of that. A man can still own his pain while recognizing the pain of others.
These are heavy lessons for an 11-year-old. But they are beautiful lessons. My sheltered son, as we printed out and talked about this song line by line, learned what it must feel like to be the child of someone with an emotional or psychological illness. My son who has only a handful of friends from divorced homes, was given a picture of what it would be like to be taken away from your family, your home. My tween who’s beginning to argue for the sake of arguing, and disagree to establish his independence has a better understanding of how lucky he is to live in a home where there’s sometimes yelling and lots of times consequences, but would never become a verbal war zone. My sweet, faithful boy got a glimpse of what regret and forgiveness and grace look like. All from an Eminem song.
As a mom, I will continue to fight the battle of protecting and exposing. There’s no magic answer as to when my children will be ready to learn about the evils in our world or even the best way to show them those things when they are ready. I’m sure I will err on the side of caution, more often than not. Meaning I will not-so-inadvertently raise sheltered kids for a while longer.
Because if I have learned anything in my 11+ years as a parent it is this: I can’t stop them from experiencing the world, but I sure as hell can have a say in how they experience it.
That’s just my normal.
“Headlights”
(feat. Nate Ruess)
[Verse 1: Nate Ruess]
And though you say the days are happy
Why is the power off, and I’m fucked up?
And, Mom, I know he’s not around
But don’t you place the blame on me
As you pour yourself another drink, yeah.[Hook: Nate Ruess]
I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night I drive on
Maybe we took this too far[Verse 2: Eminem]
I went in headfirst
Never thinking about who what I said hurt, in what verse
My mom probably got it the worst
The brunt of it, but as stubborn as we are
Did I take it too far?
“Cleaning Out My Closet” and all them other songs
But regardless I don’t hate you ’cause, Ma,
You’re still beautiful to me, ’cause you’re my mom
Though far be it from you to be calm, our house was Vietnam
Desert Storm and both of us put together can form an atomic bomb equivalent to Chemical warfare
And forever we can drag this on and on
But, agree to disagree
That gift from me up under the Christmas tree don’t mean shit to me
You’re kicking me out? It’s 15 degrees and it’s Christmas Eve (little prick just leave)
Ma, let me grab my fucking coat, anything to have each other’s goats
Why we always at each other’s throats?
Especially when dad, he fucked us both
We’re in the same fucking boat, you’d think that it’d make us close (nope)
Further away it drove us, but together headlights shine, a car full of belongings
Still got a ways to go, back to grandma’s house it’s straight up the road
And I was the man of the house, the oldest, so my shoulders carried the weight of the load
Then Nate got taken away by the state at eight years old,
And that’s when I realized you were sick and it wasn’t fixable or changeable
And to this day we remained estranged and I hate it though, but[Hook][Verse 3: Eminem]
‘Cause to this day we remain estranged and I hate it though
‘Cause you ain’t even get to witness your grand babies grow
But I’m sorry, Mama, for “Cleaning Out My Closet”, at the time I was angry
Rightfully maybe so, never meant that far to take it though,
’cause now I know it’s not your fault, and I’m not making jokes
That song I no longer play at shows and I cringe every time it’s on the radio
And I think of Nathan being placed in a home
And all the medicine you fed us
And how I just wanted you to taste your own,
But now the medications taken over
And your mental state’s deteriorating slow
And I’m way too old to cry, the shit is painful though
But, Ma, I forgive you, so does Nathan, yo
All you did, all you said, you did your best to raise us both
Foster care, that cross you bear, few may be as heavy as yours
But I love you, Debbie Mathers, oh, what a tangled web we have,
’cause one thing I never asked was
Where the fuck my deadbeat dad was
Fuck it, I guess he had trouble keeping up with every address
But I’d have flipped every mattress, every rock and desert cactus
Own a collection of maps and followed my kids to the edge of the atlas
Someone ever moved them from me? That you coulda bet your asses
If I had to come down the chimney dressed as Santa, kidnap them
And although one has only met their grandma once
You pulled up in our drive one night as we were leaving to get some hamburgers
Me, her and Nate, we introduced you, hugged you
And as you left I had this overwhelming sadness come over me
As we pulled off to go our separate paths,
And I saw your headlights as I looked back
And I’m mad I didn’t get the chance to thank you for being my Mom and my Dad
So, Mom, please accept this as a tribute I wrote this on the jet
I guess I had to get this off my chest,
I hope I get the chance to lay it before I’m dead
The stewardess said to fasten my seatbelt, I guess we’re crashing
So if I’m not dreaming, I hope you get this message that I’ll always love you from afar
‘Cause you’re my Ma[Hook][Verse 4: Nate Ruess]
I want a new life (start over)
One without a cause (clean slate)
So I’m coming home tonight (yeah)
Well, no matter what the cost
And if the plane goes down
Or if the crew can’t wake me up
Well, just know that I’m alright
I was not afraid to die
Oh, even if there’s songs to sing
Well, my children will carry me
Just know that I’m alright
I was not afraid to die
Because I put my faith in my little girls
So I never say, “Goodbye, cruel world.”
Just know that I’m alright
I am not afraid to die[Hook]
I want a new life
If there’s anything I’ve learned parenting 3 now teen/young adults, it’s that you cannot control what your kids listen to. I’m sorry, you just can’t. They will get it somewhere. My oldest loved that “screamo” music. I have no idea why, but it drove me nuts. He listened/still listens to stuff I’ve never heard of. The girlchild is all about the pop music, of which most can be tolerated. But that song “Take Me To Church” I have serious issues with and just cannot allow it to be played in my presence. We’ve discussed the lyrics and she adamantly argues with me about it, but respectfully changes stations when it comes on. The middleone often questions me about lyrics to songs that come on the radio. He’s my deep thinker. He wants to know what everything means. Sometimes I have the answer, sometimes we have to google it. However, all 3 of my children can rock out like nobody’s business when Styx, Queen, Journey, etc…. all the glorious music from the 70s/80s now referred to as “classic” (#Imnotthatoldreally) music comes on. We get our jam on, and it makes my heart smile.
I just feel as long as my kids know that the line of dialogue is always open between us, that we can discuss ANYTHING, then I’m doing my job.
#parentingolderkidsisnteasierjustdifferent
Isn’t it funny that the differences between our kids span everything from food preference to music choice? I love that you are steadfast in keeping certain songs out of the house. Communication is important but it doesn’t mean we are always going to change our minds. Disagreement is ok but in the end (and I know you agree with this) you’re the boss! And your kids have rockn’ taste in music!!
Thanks for reading, friend.
V
What is wrong with Take Me a To Church? Aren’t you accepting and loving of all Gods creatures? I am a Christian so I believe in the teachings of Jesus. That we are all sinners and we have no right to judge. You sound like a very good parent.
I think it’s great that you let your son listen to Eminem. I fully believe in not sheltering your kids from reality. Of course I draw the line at certain songs such as “Drips” etc, but this allows us to have a more open and honest relationship. Not everyone grows up with a perfect life and that’s an important lesson to teach.
Love this! My kids are still very young but I had the most difficult childhood, I had to learn very young to observe, filter out in my head what is true/not true/right/wrong, why, etc just to survive, let alone thrive. The more sheltered kids are, the harder time they will have coping with change and being able to adjust later on in life. I can handle just about anything in life because I wasn’t sheltered (although my mother sure tried).
Wow, Nicolette. Thank you for sharing that. It’s pretty amazing how all things can work for good in one way or another, isn’t it? I’m so sorry you HAD to learn that lesson but you obviously turned it into a positive. Finding that line between education and harm is so hard. Hearing your experience helps me, though. Remembering that even if I mess it up and expose to early or not enough, my kids will learn from both!
Thank you for sharing!!
V
I love this. My boys and I listen to music together each morning as I get them ready for school. We use it as a dance party, but they have asked what some lyrics mean. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll put on Eminem radio to get the discussion flowing!
I love that, Mel. I used to be so much better about music in the morning but it started making us late!! haha! I think it’s time to bring that back. Thanks for the reminder!! And any kid that grows up in your house is a lucky kid. You do so many beautiful things to make them feel loved and have fun!
Miss you!
V
I love that you have let him listen to this with you and are having some real serious discussions about the realities of this world and life in general. I think it really is important for us as parents to be the ones to shelter our kids when need be, but also be the ones to help them learn right from wrong first and foremost, because the reality is they will make mistakes as they grow up, but an open line of communication is truly such an important key.
Exactly, Janine!! It is so hard to know when to shelter and when to expose, isn’t it? I love that we have a community of moms and women who help each other out.
Thank you for reading!
V
Great teachable moment. You never know when those conversations are gonna come, especially as they get older. You go, Mom.
Thank you, Amy!! I need that encouragement so much! Sometimes I try too hard to make a moment teachable and they just aren’t ready. If I could just learn to sit, listen, and wait I know I’d have more of them!!
Thank you for reading!
V
you are doing it right! Seriously. I love this so much. You found words for how I feel as a parent who has let their children listen to all sorts of music.
Thank you, Jenn! As moms it is so refreshing to have others telling us when we are doing something right. It’s so scary to make decisions for our kids when we are inundated with information! I know that music moves, inspires, and influences me in so many ways that I would be an idiot to not allow my kids that same opportunity.
Thank you for reading and commenting!
V
why not use something that your kids are interested in to teach them. Seems like common sense to me. Well done.
OH, liv…. If only everyone thought like us! Haha! Sometimes I feel like I panic when making parenting decisions, second guess myself and lose all common sense. I’m working on it.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
V
It sounds like you have a really good plan there – you’re letting your boys expand their boundaries at a level which is comfortable, appropriate, and more importantly (for their engagement) RELEVANT to them.
Reads like a parenting win to me 🙂
Good for you for being responsible about it 🙂
Thank you! I think the key is for me to figure out what is appropriate for their age and development. I don’t always nail that one on the head. I’m hoping I get better at listening and following their lead… I could definitely use the “win.” Thanks for the support!!
V
Your words – Because if I have learned anything in my 11+ years as a parent it is this: I can’t stop them from experiencing the world, but I sure as hell can have a say in how they experience it. – That has always been my philosophy. Shielding our kids from every bad thing out there is tempting, but it doesn’t teach them how to handle and interact with the world as it exists when they get out in the world on their own. The best thing we can do is give them the knowledge and the tools to interpret for themselves. So glad I clicked over here – what a great read.
Wow, Lisa! Thank you for clicking over! I’m glad you enjoyed the article. For me, the key to all of this is to KNOW YOUR KIDS. There are so many things (including most Eminem songs) that my kids are NOT allowed to listen to. Why? They aren’t ready. The ideas behind them are beyond what their little 11 and 8.5 year old minds are ready to process and analyze. That’s the point of this article- how do we expose without wounding? We expose by following our kid’s signals about where they are in the maturing process. We assess where their hearts are. And most importantly, for me, it’s about whether or not my kids can understand the dichotomy of enjoying a song and learning a lot but ALSO seeing that an artist is not someone we want to imitate because of the life he/she leads. That’s a tough one for kids- how someone is “good” and “bad.” I know my son. I know he is grasping that concept. A year ago he couldn’t. It’s all about learning from communicating your kid;)
V
That’s the absolute key, Vicky – know your kid and read the signals. Just because the BFF is ready for something doesn’t mean our own kid is, and vice versa. I often think the best indicator is what happened with your son and the song – they ask questions.
It is a different world than when I was a kid and mine are always trying to tell me how that affects my ability to parent.
I always tell them that it is not as different as they think. Music is the one thing that really has, or maybe it is more appropriate to say today kids have access in a way we didn’t.
When I was their age if a friend didn’t have the record or tape and I didn’t own it the song was rumor.
Anyway with the net and life in general, I figure it is easier to try to manage than control. My kids know there are limits and that there are some things they shouldn’t watch/listen but by not making it into a big deal they generally don’t.
And if they do I hear about it so we get a chance to talk and that is a good thing for everyone.
I agree 100%, Jack. I certainly have rules about what is allowed in our house- my kids are only 11 and 8.5 AND we have our own standards of what’s appropriate and acceptable. But I will discuss anything I can. The key word being “can.” There are definitely times they’ve asked about stuff and my answer has had to be, “You know what, bud. This movie/song/book/t.v. show is about stuff that you can’t really understand yet or not appropriate for you.” I tell them all the time that my job is to protect their brains for getting input they aren’t ready for yet. So are they cruising around dance to “Slim Shady” or “Shake That Ass”? Of course not. Are they hanging out watching Sons of Anarchy? Duh, no! But it is for each house to decide where their lines are drawn and it’s for each parent to decide what THEIR kid is ready for and capable of hearing and processing.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Jack. You always give great perspective and I’m grateful for it.
V
Your writing is always so smart and relevant. I think it’s wonderful that you will allow your son to be exposed to different types of music, even songs you aren’t 100% comfortable with. Because if they spur meaningful dialogue, your kids will come away feeling respected and not judged. THAT is a beautiful thing!
Thanks, Penny. It’s hard to know what to expose him to and it’s hard to say no sometimes. There are a ton of Eminem songs I will never be ok with him listening to simply because the subject matter. Will he listen to it anyway? Yes. Do I know this? Yes. But he has to know there are things we don’t support. I’m sure that sounds judgmental but I would hope that he can see the difference- not agreeing vs judging. I do love that he feels comfortable talking to me about stuff. I’m praying it stays that way!
Thanks for reading, friend!
V
I listen to Eminem. It’s kind of my guilty pleasure. There are worse things, you know? Parenting is about picking your battles and you can’t really control someone’s taste in music. Your son is old enough to decide what he likes and good for you…you’re a good mom.
I agree about picking your battles and the key is that I know my kid. He certainly can’t listen to a lot of E’s songs simply because he’s too young to get the subject matter but he is certainly old enough to know what he likes. I simply have to monitor it. It’s so hard sometimes to know where to draw the line, you know? Thanks for the compliment. Us moms really need to encourage one another as well as hold one another accountable. This parenting gig is tough!! We should all be working together!! Thanks!
V
I think it’s great that you let your son listen to Eminem. I fully believe in not sheltering your kids from reality. Of course I draw the line at certain songs such as “Drips” etc, but this allows us to have a more open and honest relationship. Not everyone grows up with a perfect life and that’s an important lesson to teach.
Sorry I didn’t reply sooner, Jamille! I agree 100%! There are definitely songs I will never allow my kids to listen to while under my roof. But that’s because the content isn’t even conversation-worthy, in my opinion. It’s just trash talk meant to be over the top. But the other stuff, the tough life stuff, is so important. And you’re so right ~ Not everyone grows up with a perfect or easy life. That lesson is so hard to teach our kids. They can understand it but not really “get it” because it seems distant to them. That’s why we have to grab on to every opportunity to remind them of what the rest of the world is like. This is the only way they’ll learn empathy and, more importantly, why it’s so important to be grateful and content and to serve in our communities as much as possible.
Thanks for you comment!
Vicky