Unless you have been living the life of a recluse, you are aware that “Fifty Shades of Grey” is set to release in movie theaters around the globe in less than 72 hours. Better get your tickets quick. Many theaters have already sold out! (I heard that from a friend, not when I went to buy my own tickets for the Thursday 8:00 showing.) Don’t worry, this isn’t a post about the evils of Christian Grey, nor will I tout him as a hero. It’s up to you to decide how you feel about the subject matter and the characters…
What I will share is how “Fifty” changed my life. Did it finally give voice to my most inner submissive desires? Uh, no.
Did I gain a deeper understanding of the complex workings of my husband thanks to the tortured and deeply misunderstood Christian Grey? I understand the difference between fiction and non-fiction, so the answer to that is no, as well.
Has my sex life become red hot, courtesy of some painfully poorly written naughtiness? That’s none of your business… 🙂
What I will admit, is that there have been once saucy, unexpected change since my introduction to Christian Grey and Anastasia Steel… my vocabulary.
I know, I know. That’s not nearly as provocative as getting the lowdown on my boudoir activities; but that kind of stuff is private and will remain under the covers undercover.
You probably think I missed the entire point of the book if my only take-away was an enriched vocabulary. But haven’t we all waxed poetic about the power of words… The pen is mightier than the whip sword! So before you poo poo my voracious vernacular, maybe it’s time for you to be tied down sit back, lower your eyes relax and wait for further instruction learn a little.
Fifty Shades of Vocabulary: Talk to Dirty to Me (Part 1)
Vanilla Before Fifty: slightly bland flavor of ice cream when served alone YET acts an excellent base on which you can build a delicious treat by adding a wide variety of flavorful toppings
Vanilla After Fifty: a conventional (i.e. boring) relationship involving, traditional physical interactions such as hugging, kissing, hand holding and, as Sheldon Cooper would say, standard practices coitus, minus any “kinky fu*%ery”
Tie Before Fifty: 1. an accessory to adorn the neck of your sexy husband when he dons his suit to appear in court… as an attorney, not the accused (unless that’s your thing- no judgment)
2. the accessory responsible for reducing me to tears in many department stores as I struggle to ignore the voice in my head screaming, “You can not mix stripes and patterns!”
Tie After Fifty: 1. a sexy piece of material used to inhibit the movements of a young woman as you introduce her to pleasure she has never experienced
2. a seemingly innocuous accessory to be worn to a young woman’s college graduation as a reminder of the previous night’s “kinky fu*%ery”, in an effort to inspire her to sign a contract which would initiate a relationship with someone who “doesn’t do romance”
Flogger Before Fifty: Truthfully, I never once had a single thought about a flogger- neither its definition nor its use
Flogger After Fifty: a leather whip used to strike your consenting, yet excessive lip biting partner who you are introducing to the world of steamy sex and pink-skinned bottoms
Playroom Before Fifty: 1. a room in which mothers store their children’s toys to avoid tripping over them and continuously having to pick them up throughout the day.
2. a place where toys can cover every surface and it is considered “creative expression” rather than “poor housekeeping”
3. the room in which homeowners throw everything they don’t have time to put away before guests arrive
Playroom After Fifty: 1. a room in which men who apparently don’t have a heart (according to the people who know them) keep instruments used for entertainment including, but not limited to: blindfolds, riding crops, floggers, bindings, ties
2. a room in which the aforementioned heartless men do NOT keep an Xbox
Lip Biting Before Fifty: A slightly annoying and possibly painful habit which indicates nervousness or insecurity and requires constant application of lip balm
Lip Biting After Fifty: A subtle and unintentional habit that appears when one is nervous, aroused or trying to be coy, resulting in men whose taste are… *dramatic pause*… “very singular” to become uncontrollably aroused, rendering them helpless to contain the desire to launch themselves at the lip-biter and devour her mouth regardless of location such as an elevator, a car or simply at the dinner table.
All the lip-biting looks the same to me… Just sayn’
Many of you will turn up your noses at the drivel that is published as “Adult Fiction” Perhaps it’s below your standards. Maybe you’re just too embarrassed to be seen reading it. (Doesn’t everyone have an iPad or a Kindle these days?)
Personally, I believe there is something to be learned from all literature, regardless of genre or audience. I mean, did you ever imagine using a tie for anything other than completing a spiffy outfit? You’re welcome.
Laters, baby.
That’s just my normal.
I knew about all those things before reading the 50 books.. (heehee), but they have in no way changed my life either. Altho, it has increased my elevator fantasies…. j/s. #haveourownelevator #neveruseitforfun #hubbyisaprudeinpublic
You knew all this stuff!?! We need to hang out in real life and not just through 75 virtual communications every day;) You could teach me a lot, I think;) Love your last hashtag!! Thanks for commenting, friend;)
V
Love, love, love this!
Hope you got a good giggle, friend!
V
Never read the book, but I did learn to ask my little sister if she had me on Bluetooth in the car before talking to her.
Apparently her kids think Uncle Jack did a fine job of making mom turn red by asking if she had gotten into mommy porn with the rest of America.
Jack,
You have come to be my favorite commenter. You always make me laugh and I love how candid and real you are. I have to laugh because my husband and I are both are always asking the other if we’re on speaker!! Your poor sister!
As for the books, you aren’t missing much if you’re looking to read some high quality literature. If you’re looking to laugh at something poorly written but kind of romantic in a weird way… THIS is your book! haha!
V
Totally admit that I read the trilogy and just wanted to know what all the fuss was about way back when. And like you I knew the meanings before and once I read definitely learned the new meanings after the fact, as well. Thanks for the re-education here though 😉
I think a lot of people checked out the books out of curiosity. Fun and silly, but not something that will be winning any awards:)
V
I dislike these books on many levels and I refuse to see this movie. At the theater. What I watch on Netflix is a state secret. But this made me snort laugh.
Ha! “State secret” is brilliant! I am going with a few girlfriends for the fun of it. I’m sure I’ll hang my head in shame in the morning. Haha!
V
I haven’t read any of them because…lazy. LOL. Actually, I’m a “watch the movie, THEN read the book” kinda gal. I don’t get as disappointed that way. At least it worked for the Twilight series!
Totally worked for Twilight!! Haha! I predict a whole lot of giggling through that movie tomorrow night.
V
Good ones. I never read the book so these are good to know – so I know what the hell everyone else is talking about.
Well, you aren’t missing much in the way of quality literature. But I’m happy I can help “educate” you. Haha!
V
Read all 3, sorry I did. Will not be wasting any time or money on the movie.
I understand how it got published- it went from a fan fiction to publication because a bunch of underage Twilight fangirls can’t be wrong, right? but I don’t understand how grown women think it’s anything but a laughable attempt at fiction by a writer who’s more virginal in her craft than Ana was at BDSM.
To each their own, but I’ll stick with Anne Rice and other established erotica authors who know their vanilla from their flogger, thanks.
Ah yes, Twilight fanfic readers. So far I have yet to find a grown up who thinks the book is anything other than fun and maybe a little hot compared to their typical books of choice. I agree with your assessment (and love your description). I’m excited to spend an evening laughing at a bad script being delivered by some cardboard actors… Thanks for reading and commenting.
(And pass along some of your author suggestions 🙂
V
Honestly, I knew all of the terms too, LOL!
And the whole, “Laters, Baby” makes me shudder.
I read all 3 books, waiting for what the big deal was. Still don’t know. Def WON’T be watching the movie. Apparently, even the lead actors hated it…and each other.
I’m looking for some laughs with my friends rather than quality entertainment. There is something in my that loves to giggle through the hype of all this stuff. I did the same thing with the Twilight movies. I was secondhand-embarrassed for all the actors through every single movie. But I have the best memories of waiting in line for midnight premiers and hundreds of laughs with 10 great women. We don’t get to do a lot of that as a grown up, right? And they hated each other?? I haven’t read a thing about the movies! They’re probably mad at each other for being such terrible actors. Haha!
V