The Pursuit of Normal

Raising Two Kids While Still Growing Up Myself

The fashion snobs won’t get me down!

By 14 Comments

It wasn’t too long ago people had no idea who Mike Jeffries was. I’m willing to bet every dime I have (Which sadly, isn’t actually all that many dimes) Mr. Jeffries is desperately missing those days right about now. A 30 second jaunt around Google and I was able to find these little gems…
This one was titled:
“Before Surgery & After Surgery”
OK, that’s just kind of mean.

Beauty and the Beast.
Um, I’m not real clear on who is who?



This one was the reason behind a rather large margarita spit take.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  I’m no artist, but I feel pretty safe assuming these pictures and the thousands more that can be found are pretty much screaming, “We think you’re an asshole!” But that’s just my interpretation.
I think we’ve all read the quotes, signed the cyber petition and rolled our eyes at the apology and no one is surprised that this guy has slithered quietly into the night.  (Hopefully after giving his PR people a FAT bonus.) Simply put, there are some things everyone knows that you just. don’t. say.  And you definitely don’t say them during an interview where, you know, they write stuff down and publish it.  I think this is where my mother would interject with her famous saying, “You’re going to be laughing out of the other side of your face if you keep it up.” Don’t worry, Mr. Jeffries, I have no idea what that saying means either.  But I’m pretty sure she’s telling you to shut the hell up.
It’s important, though, that we look at things objectively.  Mr. Jeffries is definitely not the first person in the history of fashion to design and produce “exclusive” clothing. From the first day my mother let me waste away my afternoons and brain cells cruising the mall and shopping at Claire’s while stuffing Sbarro and frozen yogurt (the first time it was “popular”) in my face, it was abundantly clear I was NOT the image used to create the United Colors of Benetton, Esprit or Guess. And the fact that I’m now pushing 40 and have birthed to healthy baby boys isn’t doing much to increase my modeling potential either.
It’s fashionism, I tell you! By the way, “fascism” is not the word to use in this instance.  It means something totally different and is not applicable.  Trust me on this one, mmmkay?
Just in case you haven’t met me personally, let’s give you the stats: I’m 5 feet. That’s all.  5 feet.  My friend’s 9 year old son is days away from surpassing me in height.  I am what you’d call a pear-shaped woman.  That’s a kind way of saying “She has much junk in the trunk.” And speaking of “trunks” that’s an accurate way to describe my legs.  I might be able to back squat and deadlift you, but “long” and “lean” these legs are not. And, I’m sad to admit, I have cankles.  It’s a burden I carry, but it’s mine, so I must embrace it. I have a small waist, but it is quite short.  In fact, my bra is often trapped in the waistband of my pants. My weight… well, it’s 32 pounds less than it was 5 years ago and still holding.  That’s all you need to know.
In spite of my strength, maintained weight loss and ninja-friendly height, I am still excluded from many a fashion trend. Take a look…
Taylor Swift in high waist shorts

Me in high waist pants
The Biebster in drop crotch pants
Still stupid looking, yet hip
Me in drop crotch pants.
I just look like I took a dump in my pants.
Skinny jeans as they were designed to look
Skinny jeans if I wore them after not eating for a month
and was not actually me
Jeans with a zipper at the bottom
AKA- Jeans that can’t be hemmed for the “petite in height but not in ass”

Flirty Capri pants
AKA: Full length pants I don’t have to take to the tailor

Oh wait, it gets better.  I actually went to the mall last week.  I’m pretty sure I heard the employees at the local Target writhing in pain over this.  You know what I discovered at the mall? First of all, they have guys that give massages.  How rad is that?  I digress. You know what else they have? Stores filled with countless articles of clothing that I STILL can’t wear!!

I’m pretty sure the fashionistas said “Dress FOR your shape”
They did not say “Dress TO MATCH a shape”

Penalty! Flag on the play!
20 yard penalty for wearing ridiculously short shorts
that look good on NO ONE other than a ref!

“I don’t care if your skulls are smiling, Mommy.
It’s going to give me nightmares. Stop wearing that shirt.”

It seems my days of trolling the mall for dudes and duds are over.  Well, I’m pretty sure they never actually began.  But I’m OK with it. I’ve had 38 years of Mike Jeffries telling me I don’t make the fashion cut.  Sure I’d love to sport some skinny jeans and knee-high boots like 92% of the women I see at every concert I attend. But there are bigger things to worry about, so I can get over it.

Let’s not forget, I spend 15 hours a day in workout clothes anyway.  And, although I’m no fashion expert, I can say with the utmost confidence that workout pants would look ridiculous with knee-high boots.

Besides, my husband thinks my ass looks fantastic in a pair of yoga pants. 😉 What more could a girl want?

I may not be able to walk the runway, but if there’s ever a need for a sudden Downward Dog, I’m totally prepared.
That’s just my normal.


Comments

    • I really think I should be the poster chlld for yoga pants, to be quite honest Tracy. I have worn them with a varitety of differnt work out shoes (running, cross trainers, chucks) in addition to flip flops (both formal and informal) and I’ve rocked them barefoot during hot yoga. Don’t even get me started on the yoga pant accessories I’ve mastered. I’m going to look into this.
      V

      Reply

  2. This post is hilarious! Mr. Jeffries looks like that lady who did a bunch of plastic surgery to look like a cat. I think people call her Cat Woman or something (and tat’s original). Google it and you will definitely see a resemblance.

    Honestly, I don’t give a hoot what he says. I’m rockin’ the yoga pants myself. I say, be who you are, dress how you want.

    Thanks for the laughs.

    Reply

    • Oh man I TOTALLY know who the Cat Lady is Julie. That lady is like a train wreck (or that Teen Mom show)- You just can’t stop staring! And you definitely rock the yoga pants!!
      V

      Reply

  3. I remember seeing a blogger in the skulls thing. Yea I think sometimes everything I see on others that looks great on them it would look terrible on me. Or so that’s what I think.

    as for the Mr. Jeffries thing. Hilarious and didnt realize how bad he looked til now. He looks worse than Kenny Rogers with a face lift. Wow. never understand why anyone wants to have that done.

    I’ve never been to A&F and dont plan to now. he’s a freaking joke.

    Girl dont get me started on hypocrites

    Reply

    • Kenny Rogers with a face lift! hysterical!! I’ve been in an A&F twice I think. It’s ridiculously dark, the music is loud and it smells like a 13 year old boy’s been spraying too much Axe body spray. You’re not missing anything. trust me;)
      V

      Reply

  4. That’s cute, Vicky. I have to say – there are only two stores that I buy clothes from anymore (with the rare exception): Ann Taylor Loft, and, wait for it, The Gap. I still find their jeans comfortable and flattering for the, uh, mature gal. This means my fashion sense hasn’t changed in, like, 15 years. Nothing like the status quo.

    Reply

    • Oh I miss The Gap! I feel like I never go to the mall anymore and I haven’t been in The Gap in years!! And don’t feel bad, my fashion sense hasn’t changed much in a loooong time either;)
      Vicky

      Reply

  5. Here’s another applicable Mom saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say. . . “

    I laughed through so much more of this than most people because I totally get the petite thing, I’m also only 5 feet tall.

    Reply

  6. OMG, you make me laugh, Vicky!!!! Those pictures are hilarious! And I’d say you’re pretty lucky you DON’T have to wear that crap!!!! Oh, and yoga pants DO make our asses look good. Or so I’ve been told. And since they don’t have buttons and are comfortable, I say we stick to those!

    Reply

    • I think I’m going to be buried in yoga pants and a LuLu Lemon top I bought with a gift card because I’m too cheap to spend $60 on a top I’m going to sweat in. Buttons are waaaay over reated Dani;)
      V

      Reply

  7. I am SURE you look fantastic in that pair of yoga pants–and you know I’m hanging out with you and cringing at all of the latest rad fashion. Snorting so much over the drop waist pants–you are killing it, lady!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.