In the fall of 1996 I had an epiphany. It’s not surprising, to be quite honest. I had just turned 22 and I was brilliant. No, really. I was. I had a college degree, an apartment I was paying for all on my own and I was a few months into my Maser’s Degree program. If anyone was primed for brilliance, it was me.
While lying on the couch watching television (taking a small break from awesomeness, obviously) I came to the conclusion that I was not going to get married until I was in my mid-30’s to early-40’s. I had a career to build, a world to see and probably some growing up to do. I’m not sure about the last one, but it seems like the right thing to say. Marriage, I decided, could and should wait. It was a very logical plan and made perfect sense.
As soon as I stopped patting myself on the back and congratulating myself for my kickassness, I got on the phone with Mom. Since my new Life Plan effected her to a certain degree, I knew she needed to be “in the know.” Our conversation went a little something like this:
Brilliant Me: “Mom, I’ve decided I’m not going to get married until my mid-30’s to early-40’s. I thought you should know.”
Awesome Mom: “OK, honey. If you think that’s a good idea, then go for it.”
BM: “I do. I really do. I feel good about the plan. I think it’s for the best.”
AM: “Mmmmhmmm… So did you go out with your friends last night?”
BM: “Yeah. It was pretty lame. Guys are lame. I’m not going to just hook up in a parking lot or dry hump on the dance floor with a virtual stranger, ya know? I’m not in college anymore. Just kidding, Awesome Mom.”
AM: “Oh, well, that’s good to know. Your father will be happy to hear that. So did this new Life Plan evolve after last night’s adventures, or lack thereof?”
BM: “Yeah. Oh and I’m pretty sure when I do get married, the guy is going to be about 8-10 years older than me. I don’t have time for all this young guy bullshit, ya know? I need a guy with some ambition and who has matured both personally and professionally.”
AM: “I understand. So no one asked you last night, huh?
BM: “Nope. Not one. I’m so lame. No one is ever going to marry me.”
What immediately followed was one of those conversations that a girl can only have with her mom- loving and supportive, highlighting my best parts, filled with praise for my achievements, a little bit of snickering over my ever present drama and the reassurance that the “right” person will show up one day- I just have to be patient and focus on living my independent, empowered life.
What followed after that (approximately 2 months later) was an introduction to the man who later became my husband. Oh Life, why do you mock me so?
Unfortunately, when The Future Hubs and I started dating, Operation: Miss Independent was still in full effect. I was a card-carrying member of NOW, people. (Yes, I actually had a card. They give them to people who donate money.) I had a career I was building, a world I was seeing (not really, I never had any money but I planned on seeing it one day) and a teeny tiny bit of growing up to do. I was also not in my mid-30’s and he was a far cry from being 8 -10 years older. My Life Plan was falling apart in the arms of a man with beautiful brown eyes! I had to take control of the situation.
So as I fell in love with the man of my dreams, I was careful to make sure we had some rules in place to ensure Operation Miss Independent would not be thwarted!
1. You don’t need to open my door. I feel all sorts of awkward sitting there, waiting for you to come around and open it. I’ll take care of it.
2. We are equals. You carry your weight, I will carry mine. I’ll take care of it.
3. I’m like a crazy multitasking ninja. I can handle a lot. So I’ll take care of it.
4. I like lists. Lots and lots of lists. The things on the list? I’ll take care of it.
5. Oh, and I don’t like flowers. They are a waste of money- they die and make the water super stinky.
My life motto was: I’ll take care of it.
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Dude, I can complete 3 of these lists today! I need an “I’ll Just Take Care Of It” notepad. |
And so, take care of it, I did. Hubs was in Law School when we got our first apartment and were married. I don’t know if you’ve ever known anyone in Law School, but they aren’t really “available” much. Their schedules are pretty packed and there isn’t much room for flexibility. So if there were groceries to be purchased- I took care of it. If there was a bathroom to be scrubbed- I took care of it. Birthday gift for a family member- I took care of it. Money to pay the bills- Yup, you guessed it.
Let’s be clear, though. The Hubs wasn’t sitting around stuffing Bonbons in his face while I took care of it. The guy was acing Law School, participating in professional networking groups, mentoring underclassmen and working his way towards graduating with Honor’s. One might say he was the Law School Ninja to my Life Ninja. He was taking care of it. Besides, he married a capable woman, right? I told him I could take care of it. In fact, I’m pretty sure I put it on a list somewhere.
Those early years were insane- we both worked our tails off and were taking care of a lot. But here we are 16+ years later- happy, successful and taking care of the business of life: kids, jobs and a house. And then this week I had another epiphany. I’m finally in my late-30’s, my career’s been built and rebuilt, I’ve seen some of the world and I’ve grown up a bit. I’m older, wiser and more experienced- more or less…
And here’s what I realized: I was pretty dumb when we met (as is reflected by my Rules), but I should have been dumber-er. I should have found the vacuum confusing and bill paying overwhelming. If I had been dumber-er, I would have shown him I could only handle one, maybe two things at a time. I would have had no multitasking skills to save my life. I should have failed at cleaning, scheduling and organizing. And I definitely would have helped him realize I couldn’t hold down a job.
My life motto should have been: I can’t take care of it.
Of course, had I done any of those things The Hubs would have dropped me like a hot rock and never asked me to be The Wife and I’d be one of the most annoying people on the planet. I’d also live in a pigsty and have no money. But I think I could work within those parameters… Just kidding.
If I was dumber-er, I would have devised a plan that ensured other people just took care of it- cleaned up after me, took care of my needs and prepared my meals. Hey wait, wouldn’t that make me one of my kids?
Being dumber-er would have been the smartest thing to do.
That’s just my normal.
Love it!
Thanks Jenn!!
V
Great post! ๐ Very interesting doll! Impressive really! I can’t even remember a convo from yesterday let along with I was younger LOL and yea I’ll be in my 30’s or 40’s when I get married that’s if I get married. I cant marry myself that would just be um weird LOL
Trust me, you’re smart to wait til then;) Of course it’s harder to play “dumb” when you’er a full fledged grown up;)
Love it! This brings two things to mind: First—my favorite Aunt played dumber-er once when she was young and newly married and quite purposefully washed something red with her husbands white underwear causing them all to turn pink. Since that day over 40 years ago he’s done his own laundry! Also: I feel the same way about receiving flowers…how the heck didn’t I know that about you?! We were destined to be true friends (because yes, our mutual dislike of receiving flowers is a friendship must. I mean, a Starbucks card is always the better choice for any holiday—right?).
You hate flowers too!? You are totally my sister from another mister, Jules;) And the red sock with the whites- oh I wish I could do that. You know me, I’d just feel guilty about it, buy new whites to replace the pink stuff then feel guilty about spending the money on new whites;) I’m so annoying.
Heehee, love this post =) I never played dumber-er, but I did stop doing so much around the house once kids entered the mix. It took a few weeks of mile high dishes in the sink while we ate on paper plates, but it did get J to start doing dishes
You are a wise, wise woman Reble Mom!! I have definitely given more chores to the kids but there are just some things only a mom can do- and that really stinks;)
V
Nice, and vaguely reminiscent of my path. Yes, dumber-er is good but I think ultimately we are the people we were meant to be no matter how dumb or smart and competent we played it. I had big plans for myself once upon a time, I was moving to the big city, going to be Ms. corporate climber, going to achieve optimum career status before I did any of the wife/mom stuff. HA. I just happened to meet the hubs on the actual graduation date listed on my college degree. It didn’t alter my plans entirely, just made them a bit smaller scale and closer to home. My lack of dumber-ness led to his belief that I could handle two babies alone for 18 months while he deployed to Iraq. Talk about should have played it dumber-er!! That was 7 years ago. In hindsight,I guess he was right. I could handle it. We survived.
I’m pretty sure the hubs has played it dumber at doing the dishes for the past 13 years! Hmm, he may just be smarter than me.
I guess we are who we are, a couple of smart cookies. No use hiding it! Great post.
All joking aside, it truly is amazing what we can handle when we have to. Thank you to your husband AND you for your sacrifice when he was away. I couldn’t even imagine! I think they’re dumber-er’ness makes them a bit smarter than us, it seems;)
Vicky
Love this! Kind of that “if I only knew then what I know now…” I have always played dumb when it comes to making coffee. The hubs makes it every day. The time he had me make it, I made it so weak he’s never asked again! Haha!:)
Oh that brilliant Beth!! I love it! I should play dumb with folding laundry- that’s the one chore I’d happily pass on.
V
16 years of marriage is awesome!! Sometimes I think my husband plays dumb so I won’t ask him to do certain things! But, I still keep making him do these things because honestly, I don’t want to do it!! ๐
16 years together- 14 years of marriage next month. Don’t be too impressed yet;) My husband doesn’t play dumb, he just plays silent and waits to see if I’ll ask. Typically it works in his favor;) Mabye I AM dumber already!
V
Omg this is a great post! So funny, but truthful. I feel ya sister!
I must have got the jackpot! Mine KNOWS I have no intention of “handling” everything like a professional ninja. He knew from the very beginning i’m the worlds biggest procrastinator. He’s a repurposer (nice way of saying hoarder) Fair trade, I’d say!!
Brilliant tactic- I loved this post! I wonder if it would work in all aspects of life…
It’s definitely worth trying out;) Let me know what you discover;)
V
Great post!! I also loooooooooooove lists. I have them all over the place and don’t know what I would do without them. ๐