The Pursuit of Normal

Raising Two Kids While Still Growing Up Myself

Milestones that don’t make The Baby Book

By 32 Comments

This calendar was great
because it made documenting stuff easier.
Of course it also made me a total spaz as I wondered
why my kid wasn’t doing many of them!
(Never mind the fact that he was only 4 weeks old.)

Childhood milestones are the highlight of early motherhood.  For me, they were the proverbial pat on the back and congratulatory “You haven’t screwed him up too badly, yet.” I patiently waited for that first tooth to break the surface and wreak havoc on sleep patterns and turn my little cherubs into screaming droolers who looked more like zombies than the fruit of my loins. I invested hours in mumbling things like “mamamama” and “dadadada” until they finally burped the sound I was emphatic was my name.  Then came the crawling and the walking and the climbing and anything else that made grocery shopping impossible. Why did I ever push  them to leave the Bumbo? And don’t get me started on how many months I worked on teaching them to speak… What was I thinking?

 

Documenting childhood milestones is a marketing executive’s dream. Parents will video, photograph, chart, graph and tattoo anything they consider “new” or “amazing” without sparing a second thought to how much it costs.

“Sure, you can get the standard photo package that includes an 8X10, two 5X7’s and four wallets of Johnny sticking his finger in his mouth.  But do you really want to deny any family member the memory of this developmental milestone? If you pay for the ‘I’m A Good Parent Package’ no one will be left out.”

When I was a first time mom I documented all that stuff.  I had a calendar that came with Milestone Stickers such as “Baby Sits Up” and “Baby’s First Words” and so on.  It was really convenient and even came with blank stickers that I filled with college scholarship-worthy events such as “rode in a shopping cart for the first time” and “didn’t poop in the bath tub.” And yes, I’m pretty sure I was even suckered into the “I’m A Good Parent” photo package a time or two.

Cute stickers, right?
But how do you know the first time he “Dances to Music?”
Every wobble looked like some kind of white man’s dance.

 

“Swipes at animals in gym”
It’s a good thing my children didn’t limit themselves to my expectations.

 

“Rode in stroller without car seat?”
Really?

 

 

“Learns to play with tongue”
Lucky for everyone who knew me, I returned to work soon after this “monumental” event.

 

As silly as they seem now, these events truly were note-worthy when I was a young mommy (who obviously needed to go back to work.) It’s easy for me to make jokes about it today because it’s been so long since anything has been Baby’s First Calendar material.  As much as The Talk was monumental, I don’t know if I’d necessarily defile an innocent teddy bear sticker for it.

At this phase of parenting, I’ve entered into the “Probably Shouldn’t Be Recorded” milestones. These are the things that you aren’t prepared for, are a little too embarrassing to write down, but still cause you to pause and take note of how far you’ve come in the parenting journey.

10 Milestones That Don’t Make The Baby Book

1.  The day you realize you can go pee in a public bathroom and your child can wait outside the stall or even outside the restroom itself, preventing the premature door opening that exposes all your nether regions to anyone washing their hands at the sink.

2. The first time you hear someone else “convince” their child to “just try and go to the bathroom” in order to prevent an accident on the playground; and you realize your child is finally old enough to manage his own pee and poop from beginning to end.

3. Your first trip to the Zoo sans stroller and you are suddenly aware of just how freaking heavy that lunch cooler is since you have no handles from which to hang it or under basket to store it and you finally understand why other mothers spend $86 buying lunch.

4. The moment your children break into raucous laughter when you ask them to clean up for dinner and that includes “putting their balls away.”

5.  The sudden realization that all the sexual innuendos you and The Hubs typically make about meat and sucking and the importance of size no longer go over your son’s head.

6. The night your oldest son says to you, “I have pit hairs.  I’m a man!” And you know it’s only a matter of days before he walks into your room naked to show any other hairs he has discovered.

7.  The first time you drop one of them off for a sleep over and instead of giving him a hug and a kiss goodbye you know the best thing to do is the “chin nod” and a subtle wink because he’s already got his earbuds in place and you don’t want to interrupt or embarrass him.

8.  The day your son is more mortified than you are when he barges in while you’re hunched over, shaving your legs in the shower.

9.  Your affectionate hug and kiss with the Hubs is not interrupted by tiny arms wrapping around your leg and an equally tiny body trying to wedge its way between you because kissing is now gross and can lead to babies.

10. The first time your son notices boobs… and they are not yours.  “Mom! Why is Katy Perry wearing that dress? Her boobs look enormous! They’re like melons.  Not even the cantaloupe kind, but the watermelon kind!” Yet, he doesn’t stop staring until the show breaks away for a commercial.

Come on, Katy.  Help a mom out would ya?
As my 95 year old grandma would say, “Put a sweater on!”

 

These are just a few of the parenting milestones that let you know you’ve come a long way, Mom and Dad.  They may not be Teddy Bear Sticker and Calendar worthy’ and they may be the cause of some awkward conversations, but nothing says “You survived the nursing, diapers and first teeth” quite like the onset of puberty.

That’s just my normal.

Comments

  1. Honestly I didnt expect to see that you had wrote down every thing. My mom still has my baby book after all these years. I’m sure she’s thinking that is if she remembers. That me being her first baby will be the big 30 this year. I’m wondering if 30 and flirty thing will apply to me LOL. and much more. Maybe I need to do a blog about that. LOL

    Reply

  2. So true about documenting everything with your first baby and I am not there quite yet on the second part and do kind of hope that it doesn’t come all too quickly, but judging from how fast these first few years went I am sure it will.

    Reply

    • As a wise person once said to me- the days drag but the years fly. That is soooo true! For me, though, I am not sad about how far we’ve come. I love the phase we’re in. Let’s hope it stays that way for a while;)
      V

      Reply

  3. I, um, started a scrapbook with Baby #1 and finished 3 pages. Then I was bored and went back to work and just took him with me where he stayed until he was 6 months. I was such a crappy SAHM. So, bless my kids hearts, their memories are from us are more like – “Yeah – you took your first step sometime in 2000. It was really cool.” 🙂

    Reply

    • Don’t feel bad. Baby #1 saw his baby book out this morning and Baby #2 asked where his was. Looong awkward pause and then I had to tell him the truth- I had one but don’t know where it is. That’s the truth. I really do have one. i jsut can’t find it. Parening high #210
      V

      Reply

  4. Ah, Vicky, we just went to the Zoo this past weekend. I heard full conversations about trying to “go” with lots of wailing and pleading. And the kids weren’t all that happy, either. 😉

    I can’t believe I used to schlep around enough stuff to equip a batallion of soldiers!

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  5. OMG I giggle snorted all the way thru this one. Swipes animals at gym? Plays with tongue? So funny and cute! And oh yes ~ pit hairs are a VERY big deal. I now make sure that my son’s bathroom is WELL stocked with toilet paper. Unfortunately, I had to hand him a roll while he had assumed the position and my eyes will never be the same!!

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  6. I started a baby book with my oldest but never wrote much in it, my other three got nada, no book at all. I hope they never ask me when anything ever happened in their lives because I will never know! 🙂

    I do love having a door guard in the restroom. I think I spit a little Coke when I read about the body hairs! Hilarious!! Before we had baby number four we were so excited to go to the zoo without the stroller but missed it quickly when there was nowhere to keep everything! That’s when husband got a backpack 🙂

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  7. So funny. I think those extra milestones you came up with are perfect. I didn’t really do baby books. I got so discouraged when my first child turned out to be very different from the ‘expected’ way of developing; he did everything very late or he did it in his own unique way. Then I had my daughter and she did things by the book but I had already had my expectations blown apart by my first child so it was weird to see the way she did things.

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  10. Aww..they are such cute memories… I did have a memory book for my first born. I used to log in all the details of his activities since his birth until he turned 2 and half.. With my second one, I did not even bother to do it. I did buy a memory book, but never got around to work on it 🙁 It is still sitting in the package… though I am sure I remember everything about my second baby and that it is carefully placed in my heart somewhere. Loved this post Vicky 🙂

    Reply

  11. #4 made ME laugh!!!!!

    Funny how quickly they pass from one stage to another.

    Can you believe that little ‘ole OCD me did not record anything? I thought about it, but knew I would get too caught up in the whole thing. Now I kind of wish I had at least TRIED. Then again, I do remember the important things. Like the fact that her first word was MAMA!!! 😉

    Reply

    • Then you remember the most important thing, Dani. Let me just tell you that even with the stupid stickers I haave no idea what Luke’s first word was. I’m pretty sure i just slapped the sticker on an approximate date that sound about right!
      V

      Reply

    • Definitely go with the calendar type baby book if you can. It really makes it easier because it’s haning on the wall and available all the time!! As much as I joke about it, it’s pretty cool to pull it out and look at these things and I’m surprised how many of them I actually remember!
      Vicky

      Reply

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