5
“Make sure you’re not too close to the couch.”
I shimmied my way over a few more inches.
4
“I hope you’re ready. It’s almost time.”
3
Eyes clenched. Belly muscles taut with anticipation.
2
1 ¾
1 ½
1 Avalanche!!
Suddenly I’m buried beneath the weight of bed pillows, comforters, couch cushions, and Aunt Lucy’s afghan. The smell of mothballs wafting around me.
Giggles escaping and intensifying as the weight of my brother joined the party. “This is the comfiest bed I’ve ever laid on! I think I’ll stay here forever,” he’d exclaim as he wriggled and rolled until I was out of breath from my squeals of delight. Half-hearted protests, sprinkled with cries for “more” and “again” sounded through the house as we played this game for hours.
Every day I hear these same sounds pouring from various rooms of my house.
It’s the sound of brothers playing.
Until I hear the words that makes me pause.
“Nooooo! Stop! Get off!”
I wait with bated breath, then quickly out of my seat and ready to step into the room if it continues. Has someone gone too far? Is it no longer fun for everyone playing? And then the giggles break through once again. The ‘no’ replaced with excited ‘more’ and ‘again’ just like when I was a kid playing with my own brother. So I sit back down and continue working, waiting until the next time I might need to intervene.
30 years ago, was my mother waiting in the wings unbeknownst to me and my brother? Was she keeping vigil in the other room with the hope of preventing injury and potential squabbles? Was our physical safety her only concern? For me, the worry is more than physical when I hear my boys’ rough house and squabble.
“Teach your boys that ‘no’ means ‘no.’”
As the mother of boys I know this is a direct plea, a demand, to make sure that as my boys become men, they understand the strength and responsibility that lay in their hands. As the mother of boys, I am a general in the war against violence toward women.
In my head I go over the countless lessons we’ve had about permission and boundaries and personal space. The emphatic way I’ve explained that you must mean what you say and say what you mean. The repetitive discussions making it clear that ‘no’ is not a request. It is not an option, or a maybe, or a kind of. But are they truly learning the value of my words? Or are these lessons going in one ear and out the other, like teeth brushing and how to make their beds? Have I done enough, explained enough?
The answer is yes. In the hundreds of lessons we’ve had over the years and the oceans of lessons still to come, I teach them. And they are learning- the way young boys do. Which means they do not fully understand the power of their words just yet. Just as little girls don’t always understand the meaning of “I hate you” or “I don’t want to be your friend” or “You can’t sit with us.” Because children live in the now, ‘no’ means ‘no’ at the moment. But, seconds later, when their brother double-bounces them on the trampoline until their teeth chatter or steam rolls them until they are breathless, their ‘no’ might transition into a ‘one more time’ or a ‘now it’s my turn’ as they once again get caught up in the fun.
But as I’ve watched them interact with other kids in my home and others’, on playgrounds and even in the classroom, I’ve heard them apologize, step back, change direction.
They have proven that so far, they understand ‘no’ when it matters most.
That’s just my normal.
I have two boys and these same worries. We are working on “no means no” with all three kids as well as with directions from us. My youngest doesn’t like to be tickled, and he’s recently starting voicing that opinion. I’ve made sure to stop immediately, so he can understand that his words have power.
I love that you are SHOWING him what it looks like to respect boundaries and words, Rabia. I find myself SAYING it a lot but being able to show them is so much more powerful. I think as the moms of boys we want so much to MAKE them understand stuff. Unfortunately, teaching them anything is a process. Nice work, mama!
V
That’s awesome. Sounds like you’re doing a fabulous job, my friend.
Thanks, friend!! And thanks for reading and commenting;)
V
YES!!! They are not just games, and they are not just words: this shit is important, and it is teaching these boys how to be men someday – men who instinctually know when to stop and when to keep going. GREAT job, Mom!!!!!
Thanks, Ashley! I am learning that “someday” is the key. It’s a process. That helps me feel less worried about whether or not I’m doing a good job.
V
I think about this all the time. I have a son and a daughter and I worry about it. I have taught them both that no means no, but I still worry about it.
You and me both, Jack. I know that we are even having these conversations puts in a good place to start from, but the success or failure of these lessons are yet to be seen.
V
My son is only 3, but I know this will be one of my responsibilities …I hope I handle it as gracefully as you have!
You’re very sweet, Abby. The teaching definitely begins when they’re young. However, the biggest lesson I’m learning is that the learning curve is really long. Understanding that my kids are not capable of fully understanding the meaning of most of their words for quite a while, has helped ease the worry some.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
V
I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Looks like you’re doing a damn fine job with your sons.
Man I hope so!! Some days I feel like a rat in a wheel, repeating the same stuff over and over and seeing little change in behavior. I know this is the life of a mom but encouragement from friends is the only thing that keeps me chasing that cheese some days!
V
There are so many lessons we reach our children and I honestly think that this is one of the most valuable. Good job, Mama!
I hate my phone. ‘Teach’ not ‘reach’…*crosses eyes*
I knew what you meant. I suffer from Fat Fingers and a a Little Keyboard Syndrome. Haha!
V
Thanks, Sandy. It’s such a tough balance- letting them be little boys, yet preparing them for a time when they are big boys in the world. This parenting gig is tough stuff!
Thanks for the encouragement.
V
I also have two boys, so I can well appreciate the importance of the issue. In their case, there is a four-year gap between them. This meant that for a long time it was my older boy who constantly needed to be patient since he was so much bigger. He always had to be careful when they were playing, and most of the time a fight between them was really just a small person attempting to strangle a pair of knees and a somewhat larger person rolling his eyes heavenward and sighing.
Now they’re at an age where my younger son looks poised to overtake his brother in height and strength. He’s the one who needs to practice forbearance since a temper tantrum now could cause real damage! Luckily, we taught him about limits early on, even before it really mattered much in practice.
A second son or daughter will always be younger, but may not always be smaller than his or her sibling. It’s important they understand that the limits apply to them too and that being the most junior member of the family isn’t a license to behave like the Incredible Hulk every time there’s a disagreement about which channel to watch.
Wow! That was such a great reminder for me, Bun! I tend to focus on the older one for reasons you mentioned- older, stronger, bigger. But you are so right- it won’t always be this way. I’m definitely going to be aware of equally teaching BOTH of them limits and self control. Although there are the few moments my youngest goes “Incredible Hulk” on my oldest and I don’t blame him. I remember the moments when I just couldn’t take being the smallest. Luckily those moments are few and far between. Thanks for the awesome reminder/advice and for reading!
Vicky
I’d love to say it was great wisdom on my part, but really it was just experience. I used to fight with my younger brother quite a bit in early childhood. However, as we aged, I began to notice that more and more of our fights seemed to end with me staring at the ceiling. That is when I underwent my remarkable conversion to peace, harmony and the ways of Gandhi.
So you literally had a change of perspective. Haha! All joking aside, I think we all should pay such close attention to where we end up so we can examine how we got there and make healthy changes in our lives. I’m glad to hear you found something that helped you live more peacefully.
Vicky
You’re such a good mom. I learn so much from you. Thanks for writing this post. It brings back so many memories of my brother and me and reminds me of my daily life with my 3 boys.
You are always so sweet and encouraging, Mel. You know me well enough to know that some days I might be good, but most days I”m just ok. I have great memories of my brother too!! I love working for him because we get to laugh and joke about our past and stay connected. I’m very blessed.
V