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Dear Spike, You’re still an a%#hole

May 19, 2015 By Vicky 23 Comments

Small Disaster2

 

Dear Spike,

I like to think I’m a pretty forgiving person. I believe in second chances and clean slates, do overs and fresh starts.

It is because of this gracious spirit, that I will not be discussing any of your past transgressions, Spike. I will not mention…

escaping out the second story window landing on the roof knocking over the kitchen table destroying the pantry dry wall and door frame cleaning up the blood spatter all over pantry after you tried to claw your way out eating 20 class valentines including the lollipops AND the sticks destroying 4 lunch boxes dragging the crock pot across the family room igniting all 3 burners on the BBQ while we were at the movies destroying the BBQ cover or how you burned a hole in the vinyl fence

…or any of the other crimes you have committed during your 4 years here in our home.  I have moved on from those events, as you can see.

Despite my magnanimous grace, we seem to consistently find ourselves in the same precarious position – a Groundhog Day’esque cycle, if you will -because there seems to be one thing even greater than my abundant forgiveness… your knack for stirring shit up.

You, dear Spike, are trouble with a capital T; and no amount of grace can make up for the fact that you are, in fact, an a%#hole.

Several weeks ago I posted this on The Facebook Page

screen shot2

What I meant: Spike, I’m worried about you.

What you heard: Spike, I dare you.

In your ultimate act of rebellion, you executed…

Oilgate 2015

In the 3 hours I was in a meeting you….

  • Came upon a 6 quart cast iron pot filled with canola oil that had been used to fry chicken 12 hours earlier
Iron Pot2

Rachel Ray 6 quart cast iron pot

  • Somehow pulled it down from the stove top and onto the wood floors, saturating said floors and surrounding cabinets with chicken-infused canola oil
Behold every beach towel we own... and it still wasn't enough to mop up all the oil on the floor

Behold!  Every beach towel we own!

  • Continued to Slip & Slide your way along our wood floors throughout the entire bottom floor of the house before taking your oily self upstairs to my bedroom… where you proceeded to rub your body all over the light gray fabric footbaord of my bed

Oily Bed2

Didn’t I just have this bed fixed? 

Upon realizing that the floors, cabinets and bed were not the only things saturated in oil, I made an emergency trip to the Dog Groomer after the following phone conversation:

“Hi, do you have any emergency appointments available for this afternoon?”

“I’m sorry, we are all booked for the afternoon.

“But It’s an emergency. My dog smells like fried chicken and has chicken bits embedded in his fur”

“Can you be here in 20 minutes?”

“I’ll see you in 10.”

Oily Spike2

Oh, Spike! Are you all wet from you bath?

No, this is canola oil. A shiny coat is important to me and who doesn’t like the smell of friend chicken?

 

But the fun doesn’t stop there, does it Spike…

  • After watching me spend 2 hours cleaning the floors and wagging your tail as I shelled-out $75 for an emergency deep clean at the groomer, you decided you weren’t as big of a fan of left over canola oil as you once thought.  And so you barfed it allll up on the only carpeted area in the entire house.

 

Barf2

Hey look! It’s the chicken bits we mentioned earlier!

And so I found myself traveling to Target. While this is typically a fun excursion involving a detailed search for the perfect throw pillows, cute underwear and scotch tape refills; this trip was a big fat DUD as I purchased $71 in cleaning supplies

 

Cleaning Supplies2

None of this would look good on the living room couch; nor do they whisper ‘come hither’.

3 days, approximately 6 hours of scrubbing, 4 falls for Nate as he tried to navigate our Disney On Ice- like floors, and 5 vanilla scented candles later and it was time to bring out the big guns…

 

Carpet cleaners2

Thank you Accurate Carpet Care for removing the stench from my carpet and for trying, unsuccessfully, to remove the oil stains from my light gray fabric footboard (and for cleaning my couch for $30 because I cried when we realized your efforts were unsuccessful)

Now that you’ve seen all the facts, Spike, what do you have to say for yourself? Do you feel guilty? Are you ashamed of your behavior? Do you see the emotional impact your poor decisions are having on our family? Are you ready to accept the help we are offering and leave right now for a canola oil rehab facility?

Remorse2

Spike, there are some things that will never change.  Without fail, the sun will continue rise in the east and set in the west; 3.14 will all be the number for Pi, no one will ever sit in Sheldon Cooper’s spot, you, my darling, Spike, will always be an a%#hole, and I will always be the bigger a%# who forgives you.

There’s a special place in heaven just for me.

That’s just my normal.

 

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Filed Under: Life with Spike

Comments

  1. Robin Bobo says

    May 19, 2015 at 7:30 am

    Poor Spike! I still love you!

    Reply
    • Vicky says

      May 19, 2015 at 9:11 am

      I think you are at the top of a short list of people, Robin. Haha!
      V

      Reply
  2. Nicole Jankowski says

    May 19, 2015 at 7:38 am

    Spike is the best worst dog to ever be depicted in essay. He literally sounds like one of my children reincarnated in canine form. But his face! His nose! It would be hard not to love him (in spite of his penchant for canola oil).

    Reply
  3. Jack says

    May 19, 2015 at 8:51 am

    I want to be Spike. How cool would it be to wreak such havoc and not have to worry about where you are going to sleep, having to pay a mortgage or any of the other stuff us ‘humans’ have to fight through each day. 🙂

    Reply
    • Vicky says

      May 19, 2015 at 9:06 am

      My grandpa who died at 98 once told me, “When I die, I hope I come back as one of your dogs. They certainly have the best life.” My grandfather was a man of very very few words so that will be in my brain forever. I will also remember that anytime I forgot what I was going to say, he’d say, “It must have been a lie anyway.” Yeah, he was real warm and fuzzy. Haha! Seriously, Spike has the best life and I am a total fool. After Oilgate my friend texted me. It said, “It’s time. Take off his collar. Open the front door. And set him free.” I laughed so hard. Would you believe that even after this debacle, my husband went out and bought Spike new more-gourmet food, Jack!? Even I wouldn’t mind being reincarnated as one of my dogs. Haha! Thanks for reading and commenting, Jack.
      V

      Reply
  4. Chronicallysickmanicmother says

    May 19, 2015 at 1:49 pm

    Pretty sure if we got Spike along with Trooper and our beloved Jasper (who went to rainbow bridge last year) they could destroy a house in an hour. The boys , as we lovingly call them, have gotten into flour. I can’t no ..you don’t even want to know how and where all the flour was but suffice it to say we found it for months after and this happened not once, not twice but three times. Flour is now not stored in this house as no where is safe. NO. WHERE.

    Reply
    • Vicky says

      May 19, 2015 at 3:31 pm

      Oh. My. Gosh. Flour!? FLOUR!? That is awful!! I’m afraid to even mention that story out loud in the presence of Spike! I can’t even imagine how bad that was. I’m so sorry! And three times! Three!?! Girl, I feel for you!
      Thank you for reading and commenting! (and for ensuring I will NEVER leave flour laying around again!)
      V

      Reply
  5. Janine Huldie says

    May 19, 2015 at 4:31 pm

    I just totally felt your pain throughout this whole article, since I have a golden retriever dog here and she totally gets into all sorts of mischief and mayhem. So, I think she and Spike would get along famously!! 😉

    Reply
    • Vicky says

      May 20, 2015 at 5:36 pm

      We must never get them together, Janine! They will take over the world and with great power comes great responsibility and these two dogs have NO responsibility.
      Haha!
      V

      Reply
  6. Snarkfest says

    May 20, 2015 at 7:30 am

    It wasn’t Spike. I heard it was the kids. Spike gets blamed for everything. Poor, innocent Spike.

    Reply
    • Vicky says

      May 20, 2015 at 5:35 pm

      Poor, innocent Spike??? I KNOW you know better Snark!! Haha!
      V

      Reply
  7. Sandy Ramsey says

    May 20, 2015 at 7:18 pm

    I have a chocolate lab and she used to be an a-hole too. Not canola oil and chicken bits a-hole, but massive urination in the only carpeted room in the house a-hole. She’s almost seven now and has (thankfully!) settled down a lot and is now the most amazing dog ever. No offense to Spike.

    Reply
    • Vicky says

      May 21, 2015 at 10:38 am

      Spike’s not offended. He know what a pain in the butt he is! Haha! I’m not exactly sure of Spike’s age because we rescued him from Lab Rescue here in San Diego, but I’m guessing 5-7. He is such a mellow dog 90% of the time. He’s happy just to lay with his people. He doesn’t like to swim. Doesn’t know how to chase a ball. Has never played with a toy. And at the dog park, he just walks around and pees. If any of the other dogs try to play with him he just stands there looking confused. I guess you could say he’s socially awkward. Haha! And there’s a 50-50 chance he won’t do anything wrong when we leave. That’s how he lulls into complacency. Haha! I have a strong suspicion this will never end…
      Thanks for reading and and commenting, Sandy. And if you’re in the market for another dog, I might know of one. Just kidding.
      V

      Reply
  8. Aubrey says

    May 22, 2015 at 3:44 am

    This made me feel better about my dog. We just spent $2500 at the vet hospital because my dog Raleigh ate a 3lbs bag of brown sugar. While he was there they scoped him to make sure the plastic bag wasn’t stuck and they found a toothbrush head and the lid to a milk carton. Luckily we caught them before they got stuck in his intestines and he had to have surgery, because that has happened 3 times before. He’s lucky he’s cute! So we feel your pain here!

    Reply
    • Vicky says

      May 23, 2015 at 12:30 pm

      Oh, Aubrey!!! Thank God you found that stuff in time!! Our old once busted into the dog food bag and ate 10 pounds of food in the 6 hours we were away. 10. Pounds. He was so stuffed he could barely breathe. We had to carry him outside to the grass because I was afraid he wouldn’t be able to get himself out there in time when he had to poop. I CAN NOT even describe the amount of dog poo in our yard for a week!! These dogs… It’s a love/hate thing. I can’t believe your guy had to have surgery 3 times! They are like kids- they just won’t listen to us when we are trying to protect them from themselves. We can both share our canine pain.
      Vicky

      Reply
  9. The Imp says

    May 23, 2015 at 11:23 am

    I’m so grateful that Bazinga is a lazy lump.

    Reply
    • Vicky says

      May 23, 2015 at 12:27 pm

      You and me both!!!
      V

      Reply
  10. julie says

    May 28, 2015 at 9:11 am

    This. You are obviously an animal lover. I get it. Me too. Spike is a very lucky boy to had found his forever home with the likes of you! I first read this on Mamapedia, and from some of the angry/mean comments made there, Spike is very fortunate indeed. Personally my little guy is crated when we aren’t home, partially so he doesn’t be bad while we’re away, and partially because I believe it to be safer for him. I just wonder how badly the cats tease him while we aren’t home…..

    Reply
    • Vicky says

      May 29, 2015 at 5:07 pm

      Thanks for commenting, Julie. And thanks especially for not leaving an angry/mean comment. Haha! I totally understand that people feel strongly about protecting our fury friends. I do too. Unfortunately, I made a mistake. A big mistake. Also, Spike is a tricky bugger. He will go weeks and weeks and get into nothing and then BAM! He likes to get us complacent. Haha! Until recently we did not have any room for a crate in our garage and the few experiences he had in a crate did NOT go well. Now that we’ve rearranged the garage we will have room for a crate big enough for him and maybe we will try it again. Fingers crossed!! Thank you again for reading and commenting!
      Vicky

      Reply
  11. Aussa Lorens says

    May 31, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    Spike would get along with Zola, my Rhodesian Ridgeback– we have to keep a 10 pound dumbbell on top of the trashcan to keep her from nosing it open. Pssshhhh

    Reply
    • Vicky says

      June 3, 2015 at 8:55 pm

      Oh my gosh!! That’s hysterical!! We can’t help but love ’em… in spite of what they make us do for them, right?
      V

      Reply
  12. Teri Hudson says

    May 3, 2016 at 5:52 pm

    Laughing out loud, annoying my husband and Ivan,our too old to be bad Golden! All of these folks that think if you put the dogs together they’d be like toddlers, egging each other on, have it backwards. The dog is a pack animal and Spike needs a pal! Long ago, we had Ivan’s Aunt Murphy. She ate my wedding shoes and the back of our brand new sofa. We got her a rescue named Lucky. No more such devilish behavior! (Although street dog Lucky would turn out to be a sneak thief and take food off the table/kitchen counter when we weren’t looking- she never taught this to Lucky! OK- Spike you owe me, buddy! And I do love your big old floppy eared, dog eyed face!

    Reply
    • Vicky says

      May 9, 2016 at 12:28 pm

      Ugh! Don’t tempt me, Teri! I’ve thought about getting a second dog. We used to have 2 dogs (PS- Pre Spike) and it was more than double the work. I’m definitely tempted at times though.
      V

      Reply

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