So I’m going with facts.
1. I’m not the only who was under the impression that “vanilla” was simply an ice cream flavor or candle scent.
2. I am willing to bet good money there will be a significant increase in the sale of ties this Father’s Day.
3. Many of you are lip-biters and you’re waiting breathlessly to meet your man with “singular tastes.” Good luck to you.
4. I have even more Fifty Vocabulary to share with you today.
Bindings before Fifty: mechanism designed to attach a ski boot to a ski, preventing the ski from arriving at the bottom of the hill before you
Bindings after Fifty: any material such as a rope, bathrobe sash, bow tie or panties (to name a few) used to restrain your consenting lover in her bedroom, in your childhood bedroom during a fundraiser for a non-profit, or in your playroom used for fun, but without an Xbox.
Blindfold before Fifty: piece of material tied around the eyes of a child playing an innocent game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey
Blindfold after Fifty: a piece of material placed over the eyes of your partner who has the same hair color as your mother and your previous “girlfriends” to enhance and heighten her other senses while you play not so innocent games that most definitely should NOT include pins or donkeys
Riding Crop before Fifty: short, leather whip used when riding a horse
Riding Crop after Fifty: a short, leather whip used NOT when riding a horse, instead riding your partner
Spanking before Fifty: a controversial form of punishment that will spark an argument between mothers almost as quickly as “Vaccinegate” or “breastfeeding vs formula”
Spanking after Fifty: a surprisingly fun and exciting way to spice-up your sex life, especially if you are in possession of small metal balls which easily fit in your… evening bag or shirt pocket
Red Silk Sheets before Fifty: the bed covering of choice for gigolos and other young men who think they are Don Johnson, circa 1984
Red Silk Sheets after Fifty: the bed covering of choice for Adonis-like men with chiseled jaws, who had a rough start in life and from who you should stay away from because they are no good for you, despite the fact that they are the ones initiating all contact
Fifty Shades of Grey Premier Night Checklist:
1. White button down- ironed
2. YouTube video with step by step instructions on how to tie a tie- watched
3. Fifty Shades of Vocabulary Parts 1 & 2- studied and memorized
4. Poise pads to absorb pee that will exit my body as I laugh hysterically at less than mediocre dialogue to be delivered by wooden-like actors with excessive dramatic pauses- in place
5. Fun night of dinner, drinks, giggle-snorting and the occasional guffaw with girlfriends- You know it!
That’s just my normal
If you haven’t seen these videos you are really missing out!