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Raising Two Kids While Still Growing Up Myself

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Part 2: Fifty Shades of Vocabulary: Talk Dirty to Me

February 12, 2015 By Vicky 9 Comments

FullSizeRenderI’ll save the long-winded introduction. (Yes, I’m aware I am in serious need of a course in editing.)

So I’m going with facts.

1. I’m not the only who was under the impression that “vanilla” was simply an ice cream flavor or candle scent.

2. I am willing to bet good money there will be a significant increase in the sale of ties this Father’s Day.

3. Many of you are lip-biters and you’re waiting breathlessly to meet your man with “singular tastes.” Good luck to you.

4. I have even more Fifty Vocabulary to share with you today.

 

 

 

 

 

Bindings before Fifty: mechanism designed to attach a ski boot to a ski, preventing the ski from arriving at the bottom of the hill before you

ski bindings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bindings after Fifty: any material such as a rope, bathrobe sash, bow tie or panties (to name a few) used to restrain your consenting lover in her bedroom, in your childhood bedroom during a fundraiser for a non-profit, or in your playroom used for fun, but without an Xbox.

brooks-brothers-black-bow-tie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blindfold before Fifty: piece of material tied around the eyes of a child playing an innocent game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey

kid with a blindfold

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blindfold after Fifty: a piece of material placed over the eyes of your partner who has the same hair color as your mother and your previous “girlfriends” to enhance and heighten her other senses while you play not so innocent games that most definitely should NOT include pins or donkeys

 

 

Fifty blindfold

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Riding Crop before Fifty: short, leather whip used when riding a horse

riding crop

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Riding Crop after Fifty: a short, leather whip used NOT when riding a horse, instead riding your partner

fifty riding crop

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spanking before Fifty: a controversial form of punishment that will spark an argument between mothers almost as quickly as “Vaccinegate” or “breastfeeding vs formula”

arguing moms

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spanking after Fifty: a surprisingly fun and exciting way to spice-up your sex life, especially if you are in possession of small metal balls which easily fit in your… evening bag or shirt pocket

silver balls

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Red Silk Sheets before Fifty: the bed covering of choice for gigolos and other young men who think they are Don Johnson, circa 1984

don johnson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Red Silk Sheets after Fifty: the bed covering of choice for Adonis-like men with chiseled jaws, who had a rough start in life and from who you should stay away from because they are no good for you, despite the fact that they are the ones initiating all contact

red sheets after

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fifty Shades of Grey Premier Night Checklist:

1. White button down- ironed

2. YouTube video with step by step instructions on how to tie a tie- watched

3. Fifty Shades of Vocabulary Parts 1 & 2- studied and memorized

4. Poise pads to absorb pee that will exit my body as I laugh hysterically at less than mediocre dialogue to be delivered by wooden-like actors with excessive dramatic pauses- in place

5. Fun night of dinner, drinks, giggle-snorting and the occasional  guffaw with girlfriends- You know it!

Laters, Baby.

That’s just my normal

If you haven’t seen these videos you are really missing out!

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Still growing up myself

Comments

  1. Megan Rath says

    February 12, 2015 at 3:06 pm

    I love that you used the picture of Don Johnson, considering he’s Ana’s real life dad! Perfect, Like a little “Easter Egg” right there in your blog!

    And I think #4 on your checklist is something I should probably include on my own when my book club goes to see this on Sunday…. Can’t wait!

    Reply
    • Vicky says

      February 12, 2015 at 3:35 pm

      Oh my gosh I COMPLETELY forgot he was Ana’s real life dad!!!! My subconscious was at play here;)
      You guys are going Sunday!?! I’m going with 4 friends at 8:45 tonight! The silver tie in the main picture? That’s mine;) Hubs ordered it for me and it arrived yesterday. And yes, I did watch a Youtube video on how to tie it;) I wish we were going together!!!!
      V

      Reply
      • Megan Rath says

        February 12, 2015 at 5:30 pm

        Yes, Sunday was the day that worked best for those in the club who want to see it (or are openly admitting they want to see it…) A perfect after church activity, yes? 😉 If you super duper want to see it again, you’re more than welcome to join us!

        Reply
        • Vicky says

          February 12, 2015 at 8:25 pm

          Awesome! I’m going to see it with 4 friends… from church. haha! I’ll keep you posted if I want to go again Sunday! Thanks for the invite.
          V

          Reply
  2. April G says

    February 12, 2015 at 3:49 pm

    We have plenty of ties, but I have yet to read a word in. Fifty Shades of Grey book. For the most part they are only for the occasional special event, but I can see that I need to update my vocabulary. I will definitely need #4.

    Reply
    • Vicky says

      February 12, 2015 at 3:57 pm

      Well, as I’ve told many people… You aren’t missing much if you haven’t read the books:0 Glad I could help you with some vocab practice. Haha!
      Have a great day and thanks for reading!
      V

      Reply
  3. Kristen says

    February 26, 2015 at 8:29 pm

    Am I the only one not seeing this movie? I mean…can it be as interesting as the book?! LOL!

    Reply
    • Vicky says

      March 3, 2015 at 6:11 am

      Trust me, you are not the only one not seeing the movie. I think the movie was much better than I anticipated, but I set the bar pretty low. And I think they need to change to the title to Fifty Shades of Nipple because Holy Cow there was a lot of nipple!! Haha!
      V

      Reply
  4. Penny at Mom Rants and Comfy Pants says

    April 9, 2015 at 1:13 pm

    I thought the same thing when I saw the picture of Don Johnson. Freudian slip? Tee hee. Have not read the book and have not seen the movie. But now you all have me wondering!

    Reply

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