In a few hours the months of planning will come to fruition. You’ll be married. But this is only the beginning, beloved. Yes, yes. I’m aware that you realize this and you “know” what you’re getting into. On some level, you’re correct- everyone who has been in any sort of relationship knows how difficult they can be.
But this relationship, the one that will be solidified tomorrow as you commit yourselves to one another, is unlike any relationship you have had. So while you may cognitively “know” what marriage will be like, you don’t really know yet. Nothing will bring you more joy, cause more frustration and make you more vulnerable than this.
As a woman who now really “knows,” let me give you a few pieces of advice on the eve of your wedding.
Marriage is never 50-50… Divorce is. So if you’re looking for a relationship in which everything is balanced and “fair,” find yourself a lawyer. The reality is there will be times when it’s mostly you and other times when it’s mostly him.
More often than not, it will feel like it’s mostly you because you are the primary caretaker of the kids and the home, in addition to bringing home a piece of the bread on the table.
But remember this: Never underestimate the part he plays. What you don’t see is that while you are at the park or Girls Night Out sharing your struggles to maintain your identity and find 5 minutes to shower alone; he’s performing his own juggling act as a man, provider, husband and father. He simply has fewer opportunities to talk about it. There aren’t a lot of book clubs for men. But his burdens are just as heavy, even when it seems as though you’re carrying the majority of the load.
Love, honor, respect and serve him. The world will judge you for this. They’ll try to tell you those words are synonymous with things like “weak, disrespectful, less than.” But let me tell you something: you’re marrying this man because you love him and he loves you just as much, and possibly more. Why wouldn’t you honor, respect and serve him? Those are ways you show love. Don’t let anyone else’s feelings on the matter tell you otherwise.
Let him take care of you. Again, the world will turn its nose up at this because you don’t need someone to take care of you when you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. But what you don’t know is that every time you tell him you can “handle it” you’re training him to stop asking. Not because you’ve wounded his ego, but because he’s reminded over and over what a powerful, capable and strong woman he married so there’s really no reason to ask.
But you fail to realize is that his taking care of you isn’t a sign of your weakness, it’s a measure of his love. And in a few years you’ll be handling everyone’s “it.” The kids, the home, yourself, him, a job. You will juggle more “its” than you ever dreamed of and you will need someone to take care of you and your “it” once in a while. But you won’t know how to ask because you’ve always “handled it.” And he won’t know to offer for the same reason. So get in the habit of taking care of one another. On the days you don’t have the strength to hand “it” all, you’ll be especially glad you did. o
Not every problem has a solution. More importantly, not every problem needs to be given a voice. I know this goes against 24 years of “use your words” but there will be times you feel something and it’s nothing more than that- a feeling. Let it rest a bit. Don’t be so quick to “lay it on the table.” Don’t worry, you’ll know when it’s more than a feeling and really an issue. Brace yourself, though, there might not always be an answer to the problem. He’ll be just as right as you are. You’ll be just as certain as he is. You’ll reach an impasse. Sometimes letting it go will be the only solution. Other times one of you will have to relent and defer to the other. That doesn’t make you weak- it makes you humble.
Have sex. Regularly and often. It won’t always be passionate and mind blowing- free yourselves of that pressure. In fact, some if it will be quite practical and quick. It’s late, you’re tired, he’s got to get up early. There will be a hundred reasons why neither of you feel like it. Do it anyway. Those are usually the best nights (and mornings) filled with giggles and awkward moments as you rush around before the kids wake up or it gets too late. Sex is an excellent barometer of your marriage. If you’re not having it and you’re not talking about it, something’s going on. Admit it, talk about it, work through it.
Lastly, he’ll never hang up his wet towels, or put the soda cans in the recycling bin or keep his dresser clean. But he will always dance with you in the kitchen, make you laugh even when you’re on the verge of losing your mind, hold you when you’re pretty sure you’ve already lost it. His voice will remain loud but his laughter will be louder and it will fill your home and your kids. And he will always make you feel like the best decision he’s ever made.
You’ll be ok, lovely. Even when you’re juggling a thousand “it’s” and it’s 70-30 and you’re soul-weary and bone-tired, it’s all going to be ok. Because you married a man who loves, honors, respects, serves and frustrates you just as much if not more than you think he will on this night, the eve of your wedding.
LOVE this post!!! totally agree!! No wonder we’ve become such fast friends!!
Great job!
Thank you for reading it, Robin! I’m glad you liked it! I can think of a hundred reasons why you’re my friend;)
V
This is SO lovely, and so true. I totally got all weepy when I read about his wet towels and messy dresser; his loud voice and louder laughter.
Thank you for sharing. <3
Thank you, Celeste! I appreciate you reading it and your sweet words! My guy is definitely 1 in a million. And the wet towels…. Well maybe I could live without those;)
V
Some good reminders. I never want my husband to think I take him for granted, he is very much appreciated. I just need to let him know that.
It’s easy to forget to let each other know. I’m terrible about that. Sometimes I feel bad for our guys. The world is always reminding them to show us and tell us how much they love us; but it rarely reminds us to return the favor. I love how this inadvertently turned into a love letter for him;) Thank you for reading and commenting!
V
I was lucky to find the most amazing husband in the world but I still had to have the priest remove “obey” from our vows. I told him I would never make it through without laughing after I said it.
Haha! I ended up giggling then SNORTING when I accidentally took his right hand instead of his left when it was time to put his ring on!! On the video you totally hear me snort!! So a good laugh is always a great memory. Of course a loud, disbelieving guffaw… not so much. Haha!
Thanks for reading and commenting, Dusty;)
V
Vicky, you have a way with words. Thank you for this post.
You are very sweet, Amy!!
V
LOVE! You make so many valid points! I am witnessing two marriages going through struggles at the moment; a wife who feels she does it all and is underestimating her husbands part and a wife who is a very independent woman, who has never let her husband take care of her.
I laughed out loud about the wet towels, cans, and dresser. I just hung up the towel this morning, took cans out of trash, and cleaned off the dresser, no lie 🙂 Oh, and put his dirty clothes laying next to the hamper actually in the hamper.
Ah, the clothes NEXT TO the hamper… I know it well. My husband takes one sock off in bed every night. One sock!!! Matching socks is hard enough without trying to find one tossed under the bed somewhere! And I’m sad to hear about those marriages struggling. All marriages do and no one gets that more than me, but it’s painful to witness. The best word that I’ve come to learn in my 15+ years of marriage is “humility.” I hate it, to be honest. But there are lots of times I HAVE to remind myself to check myself before I’m checking him! I wish I was better at it;)
Thanks for reading and commenting!
V
From one who has navigated the trenches of divorce, with two now mostly fatherless children … let me tell you, this is a great post.
That might be the nicest comment I’ve received. Thank you! I have several friends who have and are currently “navigating the trenches of divorce” and it is so hard to watch, let alone experience. I recognize it’s easy to write about some of this stuff from a distance, but in my 15+ years of marriage we have had some really hard times too. I wish I had known (or been humble enough to admit) some of this stuff. 2 flawed people in a flawed world makes marriage feel like an uphill battle some days.
Thank you for sharing.
V
A lovely post and you’ve given me so much to think about. Like – what if you want to be taken care of and he doesn’t take care of you? So many great points, thanks for sharing!
As I wrote this post, I thought of that exact scenario, Kristen. It’s easy to talk about letting him take care of you (sometimes) but what if he doesn’t want to or doesn’t know how? Sure, someone could just say “communication is the key.” Well, even if you tell someone that doesn’t mean they can or will do it. I wish there was an answer. For us, it took a long time for my husband to understand what I meant by “take care of.” And, in the end, I had to change my definition of it, as well. I couldn’t demand he do it my way. It was tough and still is a lot of the time. Sure wish we could google this stuff and have all the answers;)
Thank you for sharing!
V