Some days there is not enough funny to chase away the bad. There are no silly things my kids say to make me forget the hurt. And there are no ridiculous observations that quench the fire of anger that is blazing in my belly. Some days we just have to sit in the sad, feel it, live it.
Today is one of those days for me. Despair is such an all-encompassing emotion. “A loss of of hope.” Noun. “To lose, give up or be without hope.” Verb. To day I am a VERB. I am taking action- I am giving up hope for a moment. Just a moment. I don’t want to find the silver lining or search for lessons to be learned. In fact, those lemons can just plain suck it because I ain’t lifting a finger to make lemonade out of them.
Today, I won’t contemplate gun laws or school safety policies. I won’t ponder the plight of the mentally ill or wonder where family values or economic policy come into play. Today I will VERB- I will give up hope for a moment and I will just feel sad and angry and despair. I will weep.
But that’s today. Tomorrow, we will VERB again. We will get out of bed, we will turn on the news, we will continue to weep, we will pray, we will raise our fists in anger and shout “WHY!?” And we will send prayers and well wishes and letters. We will place teddy bears and cards and light candles. We will hug our kids tightly as we greet them in the too-early morning light. We will give them extra kisses that make them giggle and piss them off because they are trying to play Minecraft. We will move on.
We will continue to VERB. We will regain our hope again. Because that’s what we do- we are humans, we are resilient, we are designed to have hope and faith and the fortitude to press on. Fortitude- Noun: “The mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger or temptation courageously.”
Our shaken fists, letters, prayers and teddy bears may not lessen the pain or remove the void for the families who have lost someone. They will not remove the shroud that will fall over Christmas season forever for them. But they are still powerful. They serve as reminders that we are connected. Adjective: “united, joined or linked; related by family ties.” All of us connected even when it feels very much “us and them.”
But today we will VERB: mourn, give up hope, despair, cry, scream, hug, squeeze our eyes tight, climb under the covers and hide, weep, wail, enrage.
Some days it feels as though there is no funny to be found.
That’s just my normal.