|This one was titled:
“Before Surgery & After Surgery”
OK, that’s just kind of mean.
|Beauty and the Beast.
Um, I’m not real clear on who is who?
|Taylor Swift in high waist shorts|
|Me in high waist pants|
|The Biebster in drop crotch pants
Still stupid looking, yet hip
|Me in drop crotch pants.
I just look like I took a dump in my pants.
|Skinny jeans if I wore them after not eating for a month
and was not actually me
|Jeans with a zipper at the bottom
AKA- Jeans that can’t be hemmed for the “petite in height but not in ass”
|Flirty Capri pants
AKA: Full length pants I don’t have to take to the tailor
Oh wait, it gets better. I actually went to the mall last week. I’m pretty sure I heard the employees at the local Target writhing in pain over this. You know what I discovered at the mall? First of all, they have guys that give massages. How rad is that? I digress. You know what else they have? Stores filled with countless articles of clothing that I STILL can’t wear!!
|I’m pretty sure the fashionistas said “Dress FOR your shape”
They did not say “Dress TO MATCH a shape”
|Penalty! Flag on the play!
20 yard penalty for wearing ridiculously short shorts
that look good on NO ONE other than a ref!
|“I don’t care if your skulls are smiling, Mommy.
It’s going to give me nightmares. Stop wearing that shirt.”
It seems my days of trolling the mall for dudes and duds are over. Well, I’m pretty sure they never actually began. But I’m OK with it. I’ve had 38 years of Mike Jeffries telling me I don’t make the fashion cut. Sure I’d love to sport some skinny jeans and knee-high boots like 92% of the women I see at every concert I attend. But there are bigger things to worry about, so I can get over it.
Let’s not forget, I spend 15 hours a day in workout clothes anyway. And, although I’m no fashion expert, I can say with the utmost confidence that workout pants would look ridiculous with knee-high boots.
Besides, my husband thinks my ass looks fantastic in a pair of yoga pants. 😉 What more could a girl want?
I may not be able to walk the runway, but if there’s ever a need for a sudden Downward Dog, I’m totally prepared.
That’s just my normal.