I’m not quite sure if I should be flattered that so many of you have inquired about Spike in recent weeks or slightly affronted that you seem to care more about him than me…? But as the title states, Spike and I have recently come to a mutually beneficial agreement regarding our relationship. Well, he thinks it’s beneficial. I kind of feel like I got the short end of the stick, but he had better legal representation that I did.
I am happy to report that in recent weeks, there have been no fires, no emotional or psychological meltdowns as a result of trapping oneself in the pantry (Well, for him at least), nor has the toaster been dragged across our home. I am disappointed to inform you, however, that there have been a number of trash digging and lunch box shredding shenanigans.
That being said, I believe Spike and I have turned a corner. As most of you know, it has not been an easy road for us. Regardless of our challenges, I was confident that because we are both intelligent people, er living things, an agreement was a possibility. And after a lengthy and rational discussion that at times was infused with growling and barking we’ve reached an understanding about how things were going to go around here.
Spike and I have come to the following agreement…
|Yes, let’s discuss the way things are run around here.
I have some input I think you’d find quite valuable.
1. Spike is not a well-behaved dog. He is simply well-managed. If I do my part (close all doors, clean and put away all dirty dishes and remove from the counters any and all food, anything that resembles food, stores food or has been touched food at any time) Spike will stay out of trouble.
2. Spike will not be left outside alone ever again. Ever.
|Go ahead, leave me alone in the backyard when you go out.
I dare you.
3. Spike can not control his shedding. Therefore I can no longer complain about having to vacuum every single day of my life.
4. Everybody poops. Unfortunately, Spike can not do it in a toilet or a littler box or directly on the pooper scooper. This means I must clean it up without complaint. See #3 if there’s any confusion.
5. The window seat and couch in the living room belong to Spike. No one else is ever allowed to sit there. To ensure that no one sits there, Spike has left a 3 inch layer of dog hair on both surfaces.
|See this couch? It’s mine.
6. Spike will spoon with Hubs and demand excessive ear rubbing for the first 6 minutes after the lights are turned off. Should I want to spoon or be rubbed by Hubs in any way, I must wait my turn.
|Excuse me. This is my snuggle time.
Wait your turn, please.
7. Any dishes left in the sink are considered hors d’ourves and will be treated as such. Bon appetite!
8. Spike strives to live a healthy lifestyle. This includes an adequate intake of water. (Plus, licking all those dishes clean makes a dog thirsty, right?) Therefore he will drink water any time he likes and if there is a 5 foot trail of water from his bowl across the entire kitchen, that is just an unpleasant side effect of choosing to live a health conscious lifestyle and I must wipe it up without complaint.
9. Spike loves our family. He loves our home. He loves our yard- unless he is left alone in it, of course. This love inspires him to pee on every surface of our yard including but not limited to: the BBQ (when he’s not turning it on and causing fires), the trampoline regardless of whether or not a child is jumping on it, any and all kid toys he can reach and if he’s feeling particularly sassy, the patio furniture.
10. Spike’s love is not simply shown by marking our yard or cleaning our dishes. He feels that his love is best appreciated if we think of him at all times. Therefore, he will leave layers upon layers of his hair on our clothing at all times. The darker the fabric the better. Shedding is is love language.
In exchange for all the compromising, accepting and clean up I am expected to do, Spike has agree to do the following:
1. Nothing. Absolutely nothing… other than looking cute.
All in all, I think our agreement is pretty much summed up in one simple phrase:
I am Spike’s bitch.
That’s just my normal.