Everyone knows what Beer Goggles are, right? It may have been many many many (in my case) years since the phase was part of your vernacular, but you surely have a brief understanding of what beer goggles are. If not, let me give you the definition from one of my favorite and wildly inappropriate web sites, Urban Dictionary.
Beer Goggles:
1. “Imaginary optical aids through which unattractive people begin to appear attractive after you have drunk too much beer.”
2. “in other words he or she is a 2 at 10 and a 10 at 2”
3. “When you have drunk enough that everything starts too look good.”
There are several other definitions, if you’re interested. But I think you got he gist of it.
Although I picked the cleanest definitions of Beer Goggles, I think it’s important to add that the phrase is most often used when someone is looking to hook up with a member of the opposite sex. For my more mature readers, “hooking up” is like making out with someone you just met at a party or a club or a bar. Here is an example of how Beer Goggles would be appropriately used:
“Girl you hooked up with that guy from the bar last night? The one with only 2 teeth and smelled like a zoo?”
“Yeah, what can I say? I had 6 beers and was sporting my Beer Goggles. He looked good when the place closed down at 2:00.”
As a responsible, mature mother of two and woman knock, knock, knockn’ of 40’s door Beer Goggles really aren’t applicable to me. First of all, I don’t like beer. It tastes like grass and weeds and pine needles. I don’t care if it’s imported or home brewed, if I’m at a sporting event or a Brewfest. I just don’t like it. Truth be told, if I’m going to drink my calories for an evening, I want it to be yummy. Super, super yummy. I’m also not a big fan of wine- so I don’t sport wine goggles either.
Beer Goggles are also not part of my everyday life because I’m married- which might not mean something to everyone (Kristen Stewart I am TOTALLY talking to you!) but it means something to me. I’m not out scoping for guys. I’m not looking to score digits. Good Lord, it’s a good thing I’m married. Do people even scope or score anymore? And don’t people look for Friend Requests instead of phone numbers now? Anyway, Beer Goggles are not a part of my life.
I think most of the phrases in Urban Dictionary are skewed to a certain age bracket. So there is a large percentage of the words and phrases in there that are not applicable to me. In fact, I think there needs to be a “Mature Urban Dictionary”- modern phrases for the more mature. Slightly mature? Not sure yet. I’m still working out the details. But I’m pretty sure I have coined the first phrase that should be submitted to Mature Urban Dictionary for approval: Mojito Muffs.
As a mom, I don’t need my kids to look different by the end of the night. I’m not looking to make them more attractive. However, there are days I would give my right AND left arm for them to sound different. More accurately, I’d like for the things they say to impact me differently. I’d like for them to sound less whiny, repetitive and critical of one another. I’d like to hear them differently. And with Mojito Muffs, this is possible! I sound like an infomerical, don’t I?
Before I give a few example, let me clarify that I am not suggesting that parents should spend their days intoxicated. Clearly, that is a bad idea for a multitude of reasons both moral and legal. But if you’re like me, you spend the week eating right and exercising. You drive your kids to all the required events and a ton of extra curricular activities. You do the homework, read the books, say the prayers, teach the moral lessons, model the appropriate behaviors, instill the life skills, etc. And so, when Friday rolls around and the kids have gone off to Dreamland, you’re ready to cut lose a bit and have a drink or two. As most of you know, I like to enjoy a Maker’s Mark and Diet Pepsi on Friday and/or Saturday night. I’m not a big drinker. I don’t consume a lot nor do I drink often. It’s just not my thing. But I do love me my Friday/Saturday night drink.
Occasionally, however, we have people over and Hubs will spin up some adult beverages in the daylight hours. This is how I coined the phrase Mojito Muffs. You see, I’ve always said that my kids’ biggest personality flaw is their mother. I can be entirely too uptight. I worry about their behavior and what they say and what it means waaaay too much. I know this. I’m working on getting a better handle on it. I predict it will be a life long pursuit that I will never fully master. I’ll admit that sometimes it’s an appropriate amount of worrying because they need a lot of guidance. Other times, however, it’s my issue, not theirs. And when I don my Mojito Muffs, (trademark pending) I can honestly say that I do a much better job of taking things less seriously and the things my kids say and do sound A LOT different.
And so, my Urban Dictionary definition for Mojito Muffs would be a little somethin’ like this:
Mojito Muffs: noun; a phenomenon in which a parent’s consumption of Mojitos makes their child’s normally irritating and frustrating behavior appear cute and not that big of a deal.
Example 1:
“Mom, I know we just finished dinner 24 minutes ago, but can I have a snack?”
“Sure, honey. I know you said you were full after only 2 minutes at the table, but a snack sounds like a great idea. Why don’t you have candy or maybe gum? That’s sure to fill you up and I know you’re going to suggest it anyway. That way, when you’re hungry again in another 7 minutes, you can then have chips!”
Example 2:
“Mom, can my brother and I pick a movie?”
“Of course you can. I’m sure you’ll be able to agree on one since you both are so good at compromising. If not, whatever, figure it out. Rock, paper, scissors. Challenge one another to a duel. Wrestle. Whatever works is fine with me.”
Example 3:
“Mom I fell and hurt myself.”
“What? You have your 53rd boo boo of the day? I have so much sympathy for you thanks to my Mojito Muffs. Normally I’d throw a band-aid in your general direction and tell you to suck it up since I used up all my sympathy of the previous 52 ‘injuries’. You know, like when you got that cut that could not be seen by any instrument for magnification developed by modern science. Or when you fell and hurt your ankle so badly you had to pathetically hobble around for 3 whole minutes until your brother tried to play with a toy that belonged to you and you were miraculously healed and ran off to say you were just about to use that. But today I have oodles of sympathy and love thanks to my Mojito Muffs.”
Example 4:
“Mom look! I want to show you something I can do on the trampoline!”
“Oh wow! I can’t wait! Is it a new trick or is it the same trick you’ve been showing me every day for the last 6 years since we installed the trampoline in our backyard? I hope it’s the same trick because I love watching it over and over and trying to come up with new ways to say ‘awesome!’ and ‘wow!’. But because of my Mojito Muffs, I’m sure it will seem like the first time I’ve ever seen this amazing feat and I will be capable of verbal gymnastics when describing how wonderful that trick is.”
The ways in which Mojito Muffs can change your life as a parent are endless. Answering the same question over and over becomes endearing. Trying to help your children learn how to share becomes a bonding moment. Your child’s inability to lower his or her voice EVER is suddenly cute. And no one being able to find their shoes, backpack, book, iPod, etc will become a treasure hunt that is fun for the whole family.
Mojito Muffs: Beer Goggles for Grown Ups.
That’s just my normal.
This is awesome—and so true. I definitely get annoyed with my kids when they do the SAME DANG thing for the millionth time each day, but if I had mojito muffs and that little bit of extra patience I could see the humor in them asking for a snack for the millionth time, or asking where their ipod was for the millionth time, or asking where the remote control was for the millionth time…you need to market a mojito maker for this very purpose. I’d buy it!
Yay for Mojito Muffs. I will totally help you fill out the paperwork for the U.S. patent office!! Believe it or not, I quit the wine about 6 weeks ago (SO many calories) and the wine (I mean one) thing I missed were my Mojito Muffs. Except I didn’t know what they were. Can I say I knew you when after you become famous???
Hope you’re enjoying your vay-cay!!