The Pursuit of Normal

Raising Two Kids While Still Growing Up Myself

$2.25… Not bad for a cup of coffee and psychotherapy

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It’s a well-known fact among those who know me that I have a few addictions in my life. The first being sarcasm, the second is a series of young adult novels that will remain nameless, the third is coffee, (A quad shot venti americano with light cream and one raw sugar, to be exact. Even my kids know my drink order by heart.) and finally, I love deep, philosophical discussions about life. So imagine my pure joy when Starbucks launched their “The Way I See It…” campaign. A legalized, addictive stimulant combined with deep thoughts… I was in heaven. Now if only they could incorporate some teen angst romance in there… hmmmm?

At first the appearance of “The Way I See It” was a fun glimpse of how others viewed the world of culture, art, music, religion, politics, etc. Basically, all the things that make up our ever growing and intersecting world. I chuckled at some and scoffed at others. Some shared the importance of embracing diversity, others shared the peaceful calm of usic, and others even shared their Faith. I loved seeing the world through the eyes of sports figures, musicians, and everyday people. And then I read ‘The Way I See “#76 and I had an epiphany. I’m not kidding, I had an epiphany! I wrote it down and carried it in my wallet and spent time reflecting on its wisdom. It shed light on my perception of myself and my life. And here is what #76 had to say:

“The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating- in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation.
To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.”
You see, I have spent most of my life walking around worrying about what others think, what they say, how they view and judge me. I was afraid of those around me seeing my faults and imperfections. While some people mask their fear by presenting perfection: perfect hair, body, clothes, kids, marriage, job etc; I handled my fear by laying my imperfections on the table. I let you know exactly what was wrong with me right away. Telling all my faults was my “rational hesitation”. For a long time I just thought it was low self esteem. That’s what people told me. And then, one day, my mother explained it with perfect clarity. She said, “You put all your flaws out there because you think it will hurt less if you say it first.” I couldn’t have said it better myself, Mom. You are a wise woman.
And suddenly, years of self help books and positive self talk were over. It wasn’t low self esteem, it was fear. Fear of people finding out the awful truth that I’m not perfect-I talk too much, I’m too emotional, I struggle with my weight, I yell at my kids, I sometimes boycott doing the dishes and let them pile up for days at a time, I am addicted to reading (and not the classics), I forget to pray and read the Bible, etc. I thought I had developed the perfect plan to protect myself from the fear of what others would discover about me. But really, it never worked. I still was afraid and now I had the reputation of having low self esteem and gave myself a bad reputation. I created others’ impression of me before they ever had the chance to- and it was rarely a positive one.
With the help of my mom and #76 I realized that this fear was ridiculous. I have amazing relationships in my life. And those relationships a commitment- spoken and unspoken. This commitment is to love, be kind, assume the best, encourage, praise, hold accountable, trust and ACCEPT. That’s what commitment is, it’s a pledge to stick with someone or something with all their positive and negative pieces. And that “rational hesitation” that tells me to keep my mouth closed, to not share my thoughts, or that no one else has these problems is nothing but my fear, my internal critic. And she has been a tyrant in my head for long enough.
I am liberated, as #76 said. Liberated from the fear of others finding out who I “really am.” The truth is, they already know. Yet, they have committed to me anyway. They like me anyway- even with the dirty dishes, constant chattering, and yelling at my kids. And there may be people that I meet or who see me out and about, who judge me or have negative opinions about me; but those aren’t the people who really know me. Those aren’t the people with whom I share a commitment, so why should I be worrying about their opinions anyway?
The benefit of this liberation? I can finally see myself for who I really am. I am liberated from that “rational hesitation” that has stopped me from trying so many things. I can write my thoughts and put them out there without fear or doubt. I can parent my kids in the best way I know how for my family. I can wear those jeans that fit a little too perfectly;) I have gotten out of my head and over my barrier so I can freely, truly , honestly, live my life and enjoy myself in the safety of loving, unconditional commitment.
…and that’s just my normal.

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